W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R

Lucky Reality?

2011-07-05T03:24:00.000+08:00

It is a familiar feeling I think I've experienced before. Years back when most of my other school mates were entrusted by their parents to take care of themselves by being allowed to go around town commuting via public transport, my parents never allowed me to do so. They made sure I was dropped off and picked up from meeting places I've arranged in advance to meet my mates. They would make me wait in the car until one of my friends was visible to their eyes before letting me off the car. I used to beg my parents for more trust and begged for more freedom. Right now, looking back I can't believe how my parents made life so much simpler for me. I was lucky.

The familiar kind of feeling floods me right now as I enjoy my life as a going-to-be-28-year-old. Unlike most people my age who are expected a queue of responsibilities on their lists, I on the other hand feel like I am as free as a bird. No pressure from whosoever to do whatever that I wouldn't want to do. In fact life is easy and way too much freedom. But could it be that I am running away from the reality of life or is it because I've yet again got the lucky way out?

Selfish is me...

2011-07-03T00:45:00.001+08:00

Chasing dreams, earning a living, taking a break...whatever you may call it. Living away from home essentially sums up my life at the moment. Lots of tears I have shed during the last six months. Life away from home has been terribly difficult. I eat by myself, sometimes I end up eating nothing. I cry myself to bed thinking about what I'm missing out back at home. I walk the familiar streets of this island and I wished my other half was right there next to me. When I turn my head and a stranger looked at me coldly, I tear. I complain. And I complain all the time, that people are rude, colleagues are nasty, friends are fake. I keep complaining. I cry, I complain, I become a baby. I want things my way. But, things are in my way. I had a choice, I chose this path. Enough. Enough of acting like a baby because it isn't fair. It isn't fair to him. He never chose to have his partner live her live away from his. It's equally as difficult for him. Yet every ounce of his energy is used to soothe me, to make me feel better, to support my weak soul. It's time to wake up from my ignorent slumber ~~of being a fucking baby~~. Stop it because it is nothing but selfish. ~~You fucking useless baby!~~

Despite it all...

2011-06-02T02:33:00.001+08:00

Despite it all, I'm extremely happy and glad that I have you in my life! Your constant reminder of your love for me completes me. Everything about you makes being with you the best thing that had ever happened to me. Your assurance of our future together brings excitement into my life. Your faith and your hope in us build a solid foundation for the rest of our lives to anchor upon. I know I have found my man in you. I am the luckiest girl to have found a man I adore so much! Thank you my darling! =)

p/s: How many guys would promise to work hard not for himself but for you? Thank you, Sweetheart! =)

For the better

2011-05-12T21:56:00.000+08:00

I have been given an opportunity to live a dream I always had. I always thought God's timing would perfect everything. However, it didn't seem to be the case this time around. If the opportunity had come 3 years back, then this job would have been perfect for me - the travelling around the world, my own time at luxurious hotels, shopping spree every other week. Fabulous life I'd say! Today, 3 years later, having the privilege to live such a life, my perception of it has changed. Perhaps maturity brought me to the next level? I don't know. But one thing I do know, living away from my loved ones in a country that is foreign to me doesn't seem like a worthwhile price to pay even if it was for all the perks of the job. Perhaps God's timing at work? Fair enough that I waited a lifetime for this opportunity, but more to that God is putting me to a test He might already have the answer to. To choose a life I have dreamt of living? Or to choose the love of my life? My answer loud and clear...I choose the love of my life!

So, if God has already pre-selected an answer for me, then why still gave me the opportunity I thought was gold? For mere confusion? I'd like to think that it is so that I taste the sweetness in missing the one I love, and a gentle reminder that he means everything to me! He was the dream I've always had. Thank you sweetheart for giving it to me.

Expectations...

2011-05-09T01:41:00.002+08:00

"The unity of two people brings about a partnership that might possibly be of heightened expectations"

Is heightened expectations considered a disorder? Whatever.

p/s: HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO ALL BEAUTIFUL WOMEN! It does not matter however young or old you may be. As long as you are born homogametic, with x-chromosomes, you long to carry your very own child in your arms. You may run away from the commitment of motherhood, but the longing of becoming a mother will always be present. That's probably why dolls were created. To my very own mother, thank you for being the perfect role model in my life. Your shoes may be too big for me to fill. I guess I won't know how it feels till it really happens. I take my hat off to you, I salute you for being such an incredibly strong woman. I wish to grow up to be like you...I love you, mom!

It's YOU!

2011-05-04T01:53:00.000+08:00

So I got you thinking that I disappeared from the face of earth? Not quite...We've moved into the 5th month of the no longer new year of 2011. I wouldn't give a month-to-month recap of what happened coz typically that would be done at the end of each year. However worth a mention that I've relocated and I'm now working from Singapore. The first few months had been tough. But looking at it now, it is still tough.

When I first relocated, I thought it was because I didn't have personal space as I was sharing a room with my 8 year old cousin. And so I moved out. Moving out was a wise decision as I was closer to work and that gave me a few more minutes of sleep in the morning. Moving into my own room also gave me the luxury to be on the internet anytime of the day, and doing whatever I like in the privacy of my own room. Still after working very hard to furnish my little room into a cosy corner, I still felt very empty. Then I thought I needed to go out more often and meet more people and go new places. I did and the feeling was still the same. Perhaps it will change once I start working. Work started and nothing changed.

In the midst of all these that happened, a few occasions had me feeling over the moon and extremely happy. Twice, my boyfriend came to visit, once I went home for Chinese New Year, once for my boyfriend's graduation, and once when my boyfriend came over for my graduation. The culprit of it all is the 200miles distance that is keeping me away from the person I most adore. Well, I never knew I can be so weak. I never knew what it feels like to miss someone so badly. I miss him so much that it hurts. I don't know how or what I can do to handle the pain. But despite it all...I am truly glad I found the person whom I know I cannot live without in this life!

Thank You 2010!

2010-12-31T17:18:00.000+08:00

And so, 2010 is coming to an end...

What an amazing year it had been...As we usher the new year, I want to spend some time to remember what happened in 2010 and be grateful for all the good things that filled the year!

When I think about 2010...

1) I thank for parents for being very tolerant with me as I whipped my temper up and down battling with the course I struggled to finish. Most of all, I would like to thank them for their endless support in everything that I do. Thank you for giving me endless shopping trips even when I cannot afford it as a student, for allowances throughout the year, for feeding me, for a roof above my head, for the presents on my birthday and Christmas, and last but not least for the warmth you've provided to make this home truly a home-sweet-home for us.

2) I thank my cousemates who generously share their knowledge with me. Knowledge can be read from materials made readily available. But more than that, the relationship we built with each other, the pillar of support we were for each other as we journey on as students with external practicum and all were priceless and cannot be replaced with anything else. So for that, I thank for coursemates for constantly teaching me to be a better person for myself and for the society.

3) I thank some authority figures/supervisors who were ever so giving throughout the year. Those who saw me as more than what I can be, I sincerely thank you. For believing in me and for grooming me into the student I am today. The journey as a student will never end. If anything, I've learnt to be teachable and be ever grateful for classroom lessons as well as lessons I got from such role models in my life.

4) I thank my friends who took the effort to call and check on me as I survive the year being a poor student. Poor in finances as well as in social life. But you guys constantly brought me back to earth by reminding me that I'm human being afterall and I need friends to keep me sane. For all the extra effort, I thank you.

5) I thank those whom I had privilege to work with for being tolerant of my new skills, and trusted me enough to work with me. Each and everyone of you had helped sharpen my professional skills in diverse areas. For that would like to say a big thank you.

6) I thank the most important person in my life. I will never be who I am today without your love and your support. 2010 had been great! We proved to each other how much we meant to each other in ways never before seen or experienced. We not only connected as a couple, we shared our families with each other, we exchanged friends, and we continued to be there for each other. Darling, you know how much you mean to me, I thank you for being that special part of my life!

To 2011, welcome and may we celebrate the year with much victory, happiness, joy, and good health!

Back with a friend...

2010-12-24T02:15:00.000+08:00

The sweetheart of my life is back! Feels so good to finally see him, and be in his arms again! He didn't come home alone though, he brought me a new friend by the name of Sheepie-Peeshie all the way from Queenstown...He's a adorable round plush, the size of my darling's head, LOL! As I said to him, he didn't need to come home with any gifts for me, all I wanted was to see him face-to-face again and that to me was the most amazing gift ever...priceless! =)

To the end of the most torturous 2 weeks of my life! *cheers*

To Sheepie-Peeshie...welcome to the family! =)

Missing someone...

2010-12-19T01:12:00.002+08:00

Last week on the 10th December 2010, I submitted the final piece of work required of me by my postgraduate studies! *phew* There were many reasons why I didn't post an entry then:

1) I was exhasuted physically
2) I was tired of looking at the computer
3) I just wanted to chill and not use any brain juice
4) I went for a body massage
5) I went for manicure and pedicure
6) I went shisha till wee hours in the morning
7) I almost forgot to sleep

I remembered the moment I was able to churn the last word needed to complete my work, my brain just frozen, and my body ached all over!

The next days were spent cleaning out my room, tidying up and organizing my notes from February 2009 to December 2010! I felt terribly guilty knowing I killed so many trees in the process of completing my postgraduate studies! *gasps*

Now I'm just sitting, chilling, relaxing and anticipating the next chapter of my life...

While doing that I'm also missing my boyfriend as he 8721.5 kilometers away from me. This is the first time ever that he's travelled so far and so long eversince we started our relationship. I can't help but think about him every day and night and in between! I knew all along how important he is to me, even before he left for his holidays I was anticipating cloudy days without him by my side. This dull feeling only confirms how much he really means to me, and how I love him so! I have my lucky stars to thank for such an incredible guy who loves me in return. The day before he left for his holidays, he made it a point to spend one hour for every day he'll be away with me. As a result, we had to peel ourselves off our bed early and be glued to each other the whole entire day until it was time for him to go home to prepare for his flight! During these days without him around, I really do feel empty. And so I didn't quite understand when my friend made a remark that "relationships are troublesome!". True that some days we may have small disagreements and what not. But those not-so-good-days are needed to remind us of the better days we share. I've always enjoyed being in a relationship. I love that I have the other person to rely on, to care for, to share, to love. I'm eternally grateful for this funny thing called love. I'm more grateful to love and be loved by the most amazing guy in the world! I love you my sweetheart!

His Sacrifice for Her...

2010-12-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

The most beautiful picture was painted before my eyes today. I saw a victim of abuse helping a fellow victim by leaving behind his own needs, hurried to her rescue and got her out of trouble. That sacrificial act to me described the purest of unconditional love. Capturing a moment of love in action is simply breathtakingly amazing! Perfect!

Frustrated

2010-11-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

I want out of this right now...It's giving me uninvited neckache, backache, headache, as well as heartache...

Come one poeple, don't be so silly...put our heads together and get this done! I would like for this to be my last academic presentation ever. I'm sure you guys would like the same as well. So, why can you show some effort and some interest to make this a kick-ass presentation ever?

Stop it with your president and vise president elect for the I-hate-the-program-chair club already. President or not, I just want to get this out of the way! I don't want to have anything to do with your childish little game you play, it's unfortunate that I don't want to be part of your club. I hope you understand, I just want to get my priorities straight, that's all.

Love
Your frustrated group member.

Job Hazard

2010-11-02T01:29:00.000+08:00

Apparently I earned the character of a "Psychotic Bitch" in one of the beautiful minds I work with. I would like to think that this is among one of the many job hazards that come with the kind of work I do. I appreciate the opportunity for diversity in the roles I am sometimes invited to play. However, what if the character is one that is my personal pet peeve? Embrace or shun?

And so they say, "life is full of wonderful little surprises". I agree, and I am utterly privileged to be given opportunities of many kinds.

Shopping?

2010-10-31T23:41:00.000+08:00

Lately shopping is the most enjoyable and pleasurable activity on my list. I look forward to shopping every weekend with my parents, where I am not required to think about work or anything stressful for that matter. I must admit I really love it. I love hanging out with my parents and just picking out whatever I want. Most pretty, cute, floral, polka dots, ribbons and bows things/clothes attract me.

After a long day out, with bags of shopping in my room, I'd inspect the items I purchased piece by piece, try them on, hang them up or fold them nicely to look at, admire and adore. After all the fun and luxurious time I had. I now sit in front of the computer again and back to where I started, would begin to worry about work yet again.

Makes me wonder if shopping is a form of escapism for me. When will this end as my wardrobe is almost filled with 50% new clothes, 30% clothes I don't wear, and 20% clothes I wear. I'm afraid my space will not be able to contain my current bad habit. *pouts*

Half-Boiled Egg

2010-10-28T23:53:00.001+08:00

As we were leaving the carpark of HOSKA, we heard a wet kinda "blab" fell on the car. We thought it was one of the ripened mangos like the many suicidal ones that landed on the ground. When we got home, I thought I'd go check on the mango to find that OMG(!) it was an egg!

The egg was the size of an olive. By the time we got home, having driven directly under the blazing hot sun for a good 45 minutes, the egg had solidified and changed its consistency to those of the half-boiled eggs.

Of all the cars in HOSKA, the egg landed on our car! How lucky were we? Was the egg suicidal or did it suffer an accidental fall? Whichever one, it made my heart sink a little. To see an egg, which could have been fully developed into a bird lost its only chance to see the world. How unfortunate to have come this far and ended up losing it all and becoming nothing? This made me a little sad as I related it to instances where we could have become something bigger and stronger, but due to our lack of perseverance and our quick desire to give up, we lose them all!

We were never promised smooth-sailing journey in all that we do. Sometimes the transition from being an egg to a bird is not easy. However, would you rather be a fully developed bird or would you choose to suffer the life of an half-boiled egg, splattering all over some lucky person's car? If you ever thought of blessing some car owners with your egg white, yolk and shell? Think again...Not a very pretty sight, when it's half-boiled on the car, it leaves a stain and it also does not smell very pleasant. Being an half-boiled egg on some person's car may not be the best thing you can do for yourself and for others. Why not suck it up, press on and be a fluffly, flying bird instead?

RUSH is a four letter word!

2010-10-14T02:25:00.002+08:00

The snooze button on my phone is one of the most important buttons for the pig in me. I cannot imagine life without it. I'd be a very grumpy girl. Anyway, yesterday I was supposed to wake up at 8am for class at 10am. The first alarm went off at 8am. Perfect. I would usually hit snooze to enjoy another 10 minutes of sleep before peeling myself off my bed, roll out of it, head to the bathroom clean up, have some breakfast before I hit the road, making my way to uni. Ideally that is how it was supposed to happen.

I don't know if my finger or the snooze button failed me yesterday morning. The next moment, I opened my eyes the clock had 09:10 on it! I sprang out of bed. Shocked. Wondering whose fault was it. Anyway that was no longer important after 2 seconds of debating. I quickly made my bed and pushed myself off it, missing a step down, which probably caused a small bruise on my foot. Took gigantic steps to the bathroom, picked out the first piece of clothing that caught my attention, and headed for the door. In between getting changed and headed for the door, I filled my water bottle and chose my ear rings. As though something possessed me as I was filling the bottle, most of the water from the kettle landed everywhere around the bottle but in the bottle. Then I came to choose my ear rings for the day, picked out a pair with pretty white roses and an off white pearl in the middle. Brought it close to my ear and checked in the mirror. Too dressy. Put back into the box. While doing that dropped them on the floor. The roses landed on the side of one of the petals and resulted in some chipped paint. Ouch. Anyway I had to run, no time to inspect and feel sorry for it. Grabbed my bag and left.

While on the road, traffic was surprisingly a breeze. Took me an unusual 15 minutes to arrive at the destination. Upon arriving at the entrance of the building I was going to park my car, I turned off the radio knowing how the reception would blur out. Right after doing that, I drove into the building, wound down my window, reached out to the red button, pressed it and waited for the mechine to spit me a ticket. But wait. Before that, as I drove to do that, something happened. In my head I was calculating and estimating how much class would I miss...10 minutes maximum, I reckon! And then this happened...*screechhhhhhh*! Now what? For the freaking second time in my life, my car was damaged in this same building! What? Once every semester is the trend, is it? So my being late 10 minutes was obviously underestimated. By the time I got to basement 3, most lots were taken. I had to stop myself from thinking about what happened, opened my eyes wide to look for a lot. When I finally found an illegal lot, which could fit my car, I parked it. I finally got out of the car to inspect. My heart ached.

Lesson learnt: Michelle cannot function in a RUSH!

It's Winter!

2010-10-12T23:59:00.001+08:00

The coldness is making me feel really lazy and unmotivated. I just want to stay home and hibernate and not move an inch. But it's quite impossible...with tonnes of work and merely 9 more weeks to the end of the race, suddenly I wish I could stop working, let my hair down, put my legs up, and just enjoy the music! Reality is that crunch time is here. When I'm most in need of time, my days become short, with mostly couldy weather. The air is chilly and wrapping myself up in heavy thick winter clothings is by now the most burdensome effort ever. This depicts the current season of my life...I am in winter.

Being in winter is not fun, with most activities being indoors to keep warm, is beginning to get quite annoying. The burden of my work is like the heaviest weight on my shoulders that I can feel it piercing through my bones. Yet, there is no physical weight on them. I know it's so close, but I can't seem to find the motivation to finish gracefully. This is a challenge. I know it is. I have been told once before that I always run away from discomfort. I do. But right now, right here, suddenly the trick I always pull does not seem to work anymore. Running away will get me no where. I either bite the bullet and dash through or I quit and waste all my past efforts.

Though feeling quite low, I am excited that spring is ahead of me! I can't wait to see flowers blossom and bloom in their own beautiful ways. I know I will get there once this winter is over. Like the four seasons in a year, each season will conclude to make way for a new one to come. That is a promise that will not lie.

Ten.Ten.Ten

2010-10-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

Greetings!

Today is the auspicious TEN.TEN.TEN! =)

Many elaborated cars on the road transporting beautiful brides and handsome grooms around...Many people took the opportunity to exchange vows, celebrate happiness, love and joy. If you got married today, CONGRATULATIONS! =) Indeed it's a special day.

For those who didn't, hope you did something special too! As for myself, I was treated to a special weekend by the most wonderful person alive! The month of October, the year of 2010...I smell sweetness in the air, because my heart's been joined with the gift most precious ever! Thank you lucky stars for making my dream come true!

"You complete me!"

Confusion

2010-10-07T12:42:00.000+08:00

Something in me makes my heart go soft for you...
I'm not the kind of girl who would tolerate nonsense
An eye for an eye is what I'd do...
You want to be mean, I'll play mean too...
But with you, over and again you pull your dirty tricks on me
I'm still finding reasons to forgive and respond to your occasional kindness
Why? I ask myself why?
You make my voice seems powerless
Powerless with confusion
I gather no courage to speak to you as you could bite without warning
Yet I find myself trying again and again
I'm telling you now how sick I have become...
Though I keep telling myself not to make allowances for you
I can't seem to stick to my words
Lots of frustration and irritation rile up within me
No one likes to be hated
But I secretly hope you hate me most and never ever speak to me again
I know I will not be at peace knowing I have an enemy in you
But I know I'd rather appreciate the consistency of you being mean
So please decide, evil from hell or angel from heaven...
Please don't be both because you're confusing the hell out of me!

Today is 24th September 2010

2010-09-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

Three more months of suffering before I conclude my journey as a postgraduate student. The feeling of excitement steals center stage as I think about what I can be doing in the future - something I like, something that carries lots of meaning to me, as well as something I wish to embark on. But with such hope for the future, it's undeniable that I am also overladen with large amount of stress as I try to do my best in finishing the final semester in the most satisfying way.

Relating to the future, I was also being reminded to ponder upon something that is quite real for the woman in me. Would I pursue my career and travel the path of a modern woman, or would I focus on my family and allow the traditionalist in me to play its role? As much as I don't feel my age and love the fact that I feel (and look, hehe) younger than my age, I cannot deny the fact that age is catching up and that decisions need to be made. Once I hit the big 2, I find that every decision I make revolve around either fulfilling the role of a modern woman or a traditionalist. Every single time. Now that I am about to conclude another chapter of my life in my 20s, I find myself asking the same question. Then again, I know whichever one I decide to follow now, being human, I will one day want a taste of the other path that I did not take. Either way, sacrifices will have to be made. I guess as of now I can still afford to follow my heart and see where it leads me. I say this because, each time I do so, it has never failed me. I hope that this time it makes no exception too.

How come men don't need to think about questions like that in life? Most men I know only have one goal, which is to work as hard as they can. They don't seem to have an option. So, who says having no option is bad? I wish sometimes I was born in the 18th century or earlier where women only have one goal in life, which is to get married and care for their families. No doubt I think it will not be anything near easy, but at the very least most women will be doing the same thing, so I'm hoping support will be there? And that this is probably the only one right thing to do back then. Your role in life is pretty much decided by the gender you are and you do just that, like it or not! To which, I think I will quite enjoy being a traditional woman to be honest. I would enjoy caring for my family through cooking, baking, sewing, cleaning, scrubbing, teaching, coaching, which are most of the traditional roles played by women back then.

On becoming a woman, modern versus traditional, today I had an experience of just that. I was put in the same room with women who are mothers and facilitating a parenting workshop. As much as I do not deny the lack of real-life experience to understand the problems presented but through knowledge which I am privileged to get being a modern woman in a modern day and age, I was able to read up and be a professional about it, without needing to fill the traditional role of a woman just to get a taste of what parenting is. This was really refreshing for me personally as I saw how modern and traditional made a collaboration together to achieve a common goal. Then again, as much as I felt good about myself being a modern woman working hard to prove myself in an area of interest which was obviously not very traditional, I also felt the longing in me wishing to be on the other receiving end, sitting in the room being what a woman should be, a mother instead.

This battle will never find its solution.

To my ever supportive partner, today is a date to remember...together, our hard work paid off and I'm sure we made a difference in at least one person's life!

Being Female

2010-09-10T01:40:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning as I was standing in front of my wardrobe, picking out what to wear, I had a sudden appreciation being born the gender I am today.

Being female, I get the freedom and the choice to dress in either shorts, pants, skirts, dresses, tights, long, short, with sleeves or without!

Being female too, I get to doll up in pretty accessories and make diamonds my best friends!

Being female also allows me to splurge on skin care products, enjoy the comfort of massages and spas as well as routine once a month facial without feeling guilty!

For the reasons mentioned, I don't think I'd the slightest regrets for being born a female...I embrace my beautiful gender and I love who I am in the inside and out! =)

Injury

2010-09-05T00:31:00.000+08:00

It feels good to be in the new month of September...THREE MORE MONTHS! =)

Last week, Monday I played frisbee with the sweetheart. We decided to go to the nearby park to toss the frisbee around and to practise my catching as well as throwing. He was commenting on how my throws had improved and how I can catch really well too. Throughout the night, I braved myself catching high throws, diving for the frisbee, following the direction it flew. Then suddenly, the flying frisbee swiped across my face hitting the bridge of my nose, then my right eye. Before I buried my face in my hands screaming in pain, I saw lightning flashed in my eyes, then darkness. Wasn't exactly very painful, but I guess was the unexpected shock that it hit me out of a sudden.

Nothing broke. In fact I am thankful that it happened because I braved myself and endured a sporting injury! :) I'm no longer that girl who does not play sports!

And so for the last few days, I walked around showing off a patch of mini bruise acorss my nose, hoping someone would ask me where I got the bruise from. But guess what? No one noticed/bothered. Haha! But does not matter I'm still very proud of myself.

Lucky Star

2010-08-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

Today I'm quite undecided if I was feeling encouraged or discouraged...

Encouraged by one thing + Discouraged by another = Neutral Feeling? (Seems kinda right!)

Your presence meant a lot to me. I like it that we can share everything together. I liked it even more that your face was the first thing I saw today after having a somewhat excited yet anxious time. My happiness was only really felt and expressed as soon as my eyes met yours. You're wonderful, and I do hope you know it!

Maybe it really does not matter if I was encouraged or discouraged afterall. Most important of all, I was happy and I still am. In the end, it's your simple gesture that opened my heart to being in a state of contentment, love, satisfaction, joy and pleasure!

Thank you, my lucky stars!

Drunk

2010-08-19T09:06:00.000+08:00

drunk

–adjective

1. being in a temporary state in which one's physical and mental faculties are impaired by an excess of alcoholic drink; intoxicated: The wine made him drunk.

2. overcome or dominated by a strong feeling or emotion: drunk with power; drunk with joy.

3. pertaining to or caused by intoxication or intoxicated persons.

I do feel like I'm drunk, and I am serious about it. These few mornings I find it so difficult to get out of bed, though having 6-7 hours sleep each night (too much compared to my usual 4-5 hours sleep). My eyes wouldn't cooperate with my wishes to wake up, and my brain keeps telling me I need more sleep thus keep making me all grogy! Seems like my mental faculties are impaired by an excess of WORK! Constant worrying about work is making me a little stressed and as a result my defense is sending messages that I need to sleep so that I can avoid attending to my work! Oawrhhhhhhhh!

What is love?

2010-08-15T22:51:00.001+08:00

I seriously cannot imagine life without you.

I'm so used to having you around, knowing that you will always make my days brighter...You are the most precious gift I can ever ask for! That thing that you share so generously with me?

That's love...definitely!

Love Letter

2010-08-14T15:33:00.002+08:00

Betrayal

2010-08-14T01:18:00.002+08:00

To trust a friend is not something you can do overnight. It's very hard to find someone who really genuinely loves you and cares about you. Ideally a friend is a person who offers love and respect and will never leave or betray you. It's very hard to find a friend who will stick by you through thick and thin, yet they can be easy to lose.

You guessed it, I have just been betrayed! In fact the wound is still very fresh and I can still feel my heart racing at the thought of it. To be perfectly honest, I am not affected too badly by what was said and who knew what and who started it and things of that sort. What was really hurtful was that I thought the friendship that we shared was mutual. I didn't know that you derived pleasure out of spreading news about me to the rest of the world. I know it was nothing overly wrong to be telling another person about me. But what was wrong was that you took me for granted and did not respect me as a person. You did not even clarify anything with me before letting the news go like wild fire to another person, which led to another person and another person. Why did you do that? What were you thinking? Were you envious? Were you curious? Were you just being plain ignorant? Or was it intentional? I am really very hurt by what you did. Why did you pretend like you knew nothing and went on to tell another person as if you were there to witness what happened to me? And After passing 1/2 the information, you decided to finally check in with me? And like as if that wound was not deep enough, you said your intention for asking me out last night was just to find out what actually happened? You were passing news about me using second hand information you got from another person! Is that how friendship works? You have no respect for your friend? You know what is more hurtful? It is the fact that I trusted you and I thought we could be friends forever...

Honestly, why didn't you just stab me with a knife? Least I can deal with physical pain with the help of some dressing and care. Instead, you chose to emotionally scar me forever...

Reminder

2010-08-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

Two things I would like to highlight today:

ONE: CLIENT FIRST
We always talk about clients' interests first. Can this really happen? Essentially, your motivating factor to stay in this profession will have to come from your very own personal interest. This personal interest can be related to personal experience or plainly an interest chanced upon or being planted in you since young. Whatever it is, my point is that your interest in the helping profession will have to have grown from your very own heart. The helping profession is unique in that you will need to know that you want to do it. You need to do it out of your own genuine interest for your passion of helping others. Because helping others require you to have compassion for others, which can only come from within. When I put it this way, essentially when you have a good session with your client, you are actually doing it out of fulfilment for your own interest. Now if that's the case, then there will be no "client's interest first" anyway, is there? I say this because, going back to the initial interest that has drawn you to the helping profession, in it you are expected to help, and by helping you would aim to have a good session with your client, and when you do finally achieve that good session, you may ask "whose interest was put first?" to achieve such outcome? Well, the way I see it, it is the therapist's! Because from the very beginning, the therapist got into this field to help, and by helping means to try to achieve a "good session" collaboratively with the client. And when the client's achieves his/her goal(s), it enhances the interest in the therapist, meaning the therapist continues to be inspired - she wins!

TWO: THE BEST SO FAR
Ever been put on an assignment that intimidates the shit out of you? The thought of it makes you all uneasy, you find it difficult to piece the puzzle together due to lack of cooperation and information, you just want to give up! I have felt all of those and more but I chose to persevere. The journey was an experiential one, and the outcome was amazingly amazing! I have never felt so much satisfaction in doing something until I felt what I felt today. Indeed I was grateful to be given such an opportunity to experience such an awesome feeling! Through this, I am honoured to say that I now see the word "perseverance" on an entirely new level! Great respect for such a word so simple yet encouraging!

"Only through perseverance will you achieve incredible breakthroughs!"

Your Stress or Mine?

2010-08-11T00:45:00.000+08:00

In the midst of having constant deadlines to meet such as assignments to turn in, reports to write, proposals to submit, presentations to prepare, boring textbooks to read, I scare myself to think that the time I spend procrastinating, doing work-unrelated activities way overpower the time I should indeed be spending on perfecting my work.

Hence, that makes me wonder if I am truly stressed out due to excessive work load or did I create unnecessary stress by playing too much when in fact I should really be channeling all my energy to doing work? I can only imagine how productive I can be if only I harvest all my efforts into work alone. Sometimes, I am pretty sure I can juggle both play and work equally and still be stress-free because when I sit down and lay all my work out, I see that I really do have time to do both! But I also noticed a great flood of pressure pour all over me and I start to feel an overwhelming pressure of stress when I see my peers drowning in stress.

So, is this stress business genuienely mine or is this here due to peer pressure to compete or peer pressure to be seen as being normal? Reason why I say that is because, most of my classmates are contsantly in bad shape, often sharing how stressed they are. Am I dramatizing my stress level so that I feel part of the group? Did my stress resonate from the group? Or purely from work? Or from not actually feeling stressed? I am definitely not saying that I can handle stressful situations any better than my peers, the fact that I'm feeling the stress at the moment says a lot about my ability to manage stress. But the fact of the matter is that sometimes I catch myself plastering a stressed face simply because. So is it simply because I am expected to feel stressed or am I stressed over the fact that I am not stressed enough?

Wednesdays with Wise Ting

2010-08-04T19:27:00.000+08:00

"You need to find the core of your being. Only when you know the core of your being, is when everything that drives you fall into their respective places. The core of your being will attract good things to you like how a magnet does. Those who have not found their cores are those who live their lives being unstable, often have moods being seen sailing from high to low - like a pendulum swinging from one end to the other unknowing where they should belong and want to belong..."

Just when I thought it to be another ordinary Wednesday out with Wise Ting, I was left to ponder upon something extremely thought-provoking and somewhat deep. For a random person who doesn't usually think too hard about things, this was quite a powerful challenge for me. I would like to think that I'm usually one who is quite strong, stable and sure of myself. This question lingers in my head now as I try to decipher what is the core of my being...What is the magnet that is working for me? and perhaps, you too?

A lil under the weather...

2010-07-31T00:02:00.000+08:00

I hate it when I'm sick...
But anyway, like it or not I am sick...
Leaky nose, achy body, pounding head, sore throat...all that jazz...I've lost count how many times I've fallen ill this year...what's with this body of mine?!?!??! Grrrrr!!

Too much peanut butter m&ms or too much work from uni?!?!??!

Peanut Butter WHAT?!?!?

2010-07-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

Last evening I was introduced to sin...

I took one, tossed it into my mouth, took a bite...crushed the sugar coat and into a layer of milk chocolate, covering a squirt of peanut butter! Awwwww...that was simply awesome! And then, I figured the best way to eat it...(well because I know I so have the tendency to finish the whole bag at one go, I decided to go slow with it, so that I get to eat it the best possible way, experiencing every bite to the most maximum level).

So first, you've gotta bite it into two halves. Take the first half, slightly chewing using your front teeth until sugar coat is broken. Then, slowly move it to the middle area of your tonge. Using the tip of your tongue, mix the sugar, chocolate and peanut butter together to form a paste. Now that a paste is formed, slowly press your tongue against the roof of your mouth and let it slowly trickle to the back of your throat...slowly go "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh". Wait! You're not done yet! There's the other half...you could either repeat what you did to the first half, or you gently break the sugar coat, chew and swallow it, while keeping the chocolate and peanut butter hidden somewhere in your mouth. Once the sugar coat is nicely down your throat, you now let the remainder sit in the middle of your tongue and just let it melt away...
p/s: be sure not to consume water straight after so that the taste can linger for a while longer...

Peanut Better M&Ms, heard so much about it...finally tried it today and loved it!

p/s: I'm pretty sure they serve Taro Milk Tea from Easyway and Peanut Butter M&Ms in heaven for breakfast every single day...(best of all, in heaven nobody gains weight!)

A Taste of Sweetness in August

2010-07-29T01:26:00.000+08:00

Can't believe that we're a month and a half from Mid Autumn Festival 2010, and I already have mooncake in the kitchen! Mid Autumn Festival 2010 falls on the 22nd September 2010. It is without a doubt, one of my favourite festivals in the Chinese calander. I love everything about it - love the sweetness of mooncake, love the elaborated patterns on the cake, love the snowy skin mooncake, love the green tea paste, love the durian paste, love the traditional lotus paste, love the lanterns, love playing with candles, love melting the wax from the candles, love staring at the moon, love making a wish to the fairy up in the moon...most of all, love that I was granted a special wish and I got to spend it with you!

Mid Autumn Festival 2009: One for Justin, one for Emily, one for Michelle, one for Teng...

A Pro at Procrastinating

2010-07-27T23:18:00.000+08:00

Don't know if you are able to see Farah's comment on this picture? She is quite right indeed, "look at the product of procrastinating!" (Gulamoydeen, 2010)

I'm in the midst of writing the final paper for Neuropsychology. Being the final paper would probably mean that the final grade for this subject is at the moment dependent on how well I do (that's assuming that I put all my effort into it, which judging by the picture above simply says otherwise!).

This is the second last subject of the program, did you hear me?!?!? SECOND LAST!! Woohooooo!

Why is love like pyramid?

2010-07-26T19:57:00.000+08:00

"Love is like a pyramid because it's strong, prominent and it stands forever..."

o.O ~WinK~ O.o

Tantrum in the House!

2010-07-20T12:04:00.000+08:00

I sometimes feel that I have not outgrown temper tantrums at home. I am quite reactive and stubborn most particularly at home, and often my parents don't really know how to respond to me. Temper tantrum is a way children act out their frustrations and anger, which sounds a lot like what I do. Problem is that I'm not a child anymore, then why am I still chucking tantrums at home?

Oh well, sometimes it gets a bit on my nerve when the typical Asian parenting focuses on whatever that is not done, whatever that is not good enough and whatever that could be better. No reinforcements for any good deeds done. One would have thought after more than 26 years, I would have gotten used to it? But no! Is this an indication that I should be kicked out to live on my own?

I say this now, but I know when the day finally comes that I do move, I will never ever get used to it because at home, my mom packs my breakfast, does my laundry, irons my clothes, cleans my room, picks up after me, etc, etc, etc. My dad on the other hand buys my favourite breakkie on weekends, chauffeur me everywhere on weekends, buys me nice clothes all the time and does everything a loving father would to protect his baby daughter.

Well, the thing is we love each other and know how much we mean to one another. What we've gotta realise is that our family grows up just like how a child does too. I know it's a disgusting fact my parents dread to acknowledge, but fact is that we've got to respect each other as how grown ups do! This day may never ever come that my parents have such revelation. I guess it's for me to work on my own temper and to come up with my clever little way to act my age so that they (hopefully) get it too.

Come to think of it, 26 and still living under my parents' roof, whoops...kinda embarrassing, but oh well! I'm uniquely Asian, hahahhaha!

What Type of Men Scorpio Women Like

2010-07-11T17:51:00.000+08:00

Scorpio Women are vivacious, intense and determined ladies. It is only after successfully achieving her ambitions in life that a Scorpio Woman thinks about romance and relationships. Till then she is contended with the fact that she can impress any man on this planet with her charm and persona. This article tries to understand the type of men Scorpio women like.

Scorpio Women are:

Independent, Intelligent and driven with a sense of purpose in life.
Their emotions are deep and strong.
They carefully choose their partner after knowing what they want from their men.
The quality of intutition allow these women to be fairly successful in choosing their worthy spouse.

Men apt for Scorpio Women should be:

Emotional, composed, patient, able and lucky.
Scorpio women have very bad temper. Under the spell of such intense emotions, they abuse the opponent in unintended ways.
The man in a scorpio woman’s life should be wise enough to curb his share of opinions, emotions, and ego in such tense moments.
An able partner to a scorpio woman would appreciate the fact that his lady is a person in her own right and her deep sense of strong identity is as precious to her as her life itself.
He should treat her like a friend first. Such gesture will win this extremely beautiful lady’s heart.
After getting appropriate and adequate assurances, a scorpio woman will be completely ready to give her heart and soul for such a worthy partner.
Men who do not accept these terms and conditions are left on the roadsides to make catcalls, once this lady passes by.
A Scorpio woman is an honor for a man, and he should be honourable to achieve one.
Since Pisces men come close to possessing the above mentioned qualities, they are the most compatible men with the women of this sun sign.

I don't think I like you very much...

2010-07-08T00:34:00.000+08:00

Today I had a good supervision with my thesis supervisor.

p/s: If there was something I should take away from this whole thesis saga, it would be that thesis is not something I will ever want to do once I get out of this program!

Maturity

2010-07-06T22:25:00.001+08:00

When do you know is time to move on? Guess it will never be a time you know. Moving on is simply a sign of maturity. You and I, we've chased something we both know we can never achieve. Time to put a stop to something that has no end to it. All the heartaches, though painful but can be swept aside. Let's wipe it out and start over. Through it all, we lived and we learnt. You never know just how much it meant, but guess nothing is important anymore. Some things we cannot explain by words and words alone. Let's not make it any more difficult. What's been hurtful's hurt enough. That, which is a lesson, make it a lesson worth learning. Looking back to things of the past is nothing but a waste of time and not to mention an added baggage to us both. Forward thinking is the way to go. Bury the bitterness of yesterday, let the fights end, and the tears dry. Rejoice in the sweetness of today. Tomorrow will be a new day. New day calls for new dreams and new directions. Let maturity lead you to everything that is good. Fight no more for it's time to let go and move on...

What a friend is not...

2010-07-04T13:33:00.000+08:00

Friends are meant to be very meaningful people who would accept you as you are.

Sometimes, some friends make us feel like they are here to tell us what to do. As such, I don't feel comfortable sharing with them as how friends would. They would pass judgment, criticize and sometimes deliberately say things that may be hurtful. It's quite uneventful that some friends end up this way. I am fortunate that not all my friends are this way. But that one or two who are like that are enough to make me put up my defenses to stay away from them in order to avoid being a victim of their own little gossiping frenzy!

If you think you are a friend to someone, be a friend...Friends usually have no deliberate intentions nor agenda behind what they do for you. If you think you cannot be a friend, stay away!

What does that small voice say?

2010-07-03T19:08:00.001+08:00

Having the courage to end a long term relationship was one of the few bigger achievments for me. Upon the break up, I was not only relieved but entirely grateful for all the little and big good things that started to come my way. I instantly knew without a doubt, what I did was right and indeed needed to happen.

Today, I am happily living my life doing the things I enjoy, along with the people I love. For all I have today, I will not trade them for anything else in the world. I just know that this is the beginning of all good things and I will be blessed with nothing less than what I deserve from this day forth!

p/s: Ending a relationship with someone is never easy. But that small voice in you will never go wrong. Follow your heart, and your dreams will be discovered...it will lead you on a long journey of never ending happiness (with the one you TRULY love).

Chasing Time

2010-07-01T22:13:00.000+08:00

Stress is clearly visible as reflected on my skin as my complexion is suffering breakouts which can only be a result of academic stress!

So much to do, so little time!

This is so not healthy for my wellbeing...It does feel like I'm chasing time, and the feeling sucks!

New Layout

2010-06-30T19:01:00.000+08:00

Love the new layout!
I think this is so me...so girl, so sweet, so pink!

Doesn't make sense that I change the layout without dropping a few lines, ey??

I don't really have much to say, besides the usual ranting about life as a student. I so can't wait for it to end. I rejoice at the fact that I've passed the 1/2 way mark, I'm more than 1/2 way done(!)...but at the same time, the feeling is very unsure and nerve wrecking. The one thing I procrastinate, I hate, I fear, I cringe, I still have to do it...time is ticking, participation is lacking...sigh...can my fairy-god-mother come and help me magically complete this thing that begins with a "T" and end with a "hesis", so that I can stop doubting my ability to do what I fear most!

You have no idea how badly I want to finish and be done with this! >_<

Beky

2010-06-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

Get well soon, Beky!

You've brought so much joy and made so many of our dreams come true. Today, you fell ill and had your temperature soaring high. I pray for speedy recovery and for us to be able to keep you for a while longer. I am grateful for all the happiness made possible by you alone. Without you, life wouldn't be as exciting and as interesting. You kept it going for us, you were forever loyal and always there for us. I hope you take this time to have a break and not rest too long. Seeing you being taken away for treatment only made my heart ache and lips quiver. I can only hope for the best for you!

Please get well soon, Beky...Please...

The Diagnosis of LOVE

2010-05-26T19:34:00.002+08:00

Below are symptoms to diagnose a person being in love:

Having a prolonged euphoric mood and smiling to self throughout the day
Sudden ability to understand love songs in languages never before learnt/heard of
Accelerated heart rate at at the sound of the person's name
Palpitation is noticed seconds before meeting the person
Recurrent and persistent thoughts about the person whenever apart
Hallucination about the person being next to you all the time
Uneasy feeling and having the urge to be hypervigilant at the absence of the person
Sleep is willingly sacrificed just so more time can be spent together
Hearing the other person's voice becomes compulsory before sleep each day
Weight gain/loss is noticed
Symptoms are not due to direct effects of a substance or general medical condition

Having only the fuzzy feelings without the physiological effects do not qualify one to be diagnosed as being in love. All symptoms including physiological and psychological must be present and felt for at least a continuous 24 hours before such diagnosis can be confirmed.

Love Language

2010-05-26T01:32:00.000+08:00

"As long as there is love, all things goes..."

People paint a picture of loving someone as something really easy to do. If that was the case, what then is the explanation for people not being satisfied by what is provided or not provided by their other halves? Sometimes I get puzzled myself when thinking about love and its minute complexities. I believe that once you have found "the one", you know it within you and that feeling of attainment in having that person in your life is simply astounding, leaving you in awe!

Having the presence of this person in your life can be the start of many great things. For example, you get to be the best of who you are because you want to be the best of everything you are for that person. Or you might also feel that when combined with your other half, you complement each other so well that you become one best thing!

Now imagine you've found your other half and you can't stop being grateful for having met each other? Would you keep reminding yourself that "I am in love!" and hope to God that all things go well between the two of you? I reckon most people would. However, what if all you do is just that?And deludedly believing with all your heart and soul that "love conquers all"?

Loving someone often makes you happy. However, such happiness would not resonate from nothing if you both just sit and stare at each other. Take time to remind yourself how in awe you were when you first met each other, pray to God that you will grow in your relationship with your other half. Above all, say the words you want to say, spend time giving each other undivided attention, gift is not always about materialism, buy each other a special gifts which are able to reflect your thoughtfulness and efforts, do something to show that you care, hold those hands, rub those shoulders and remind each other over and over again how bloody lucky you both are to have found each other! :)

Love, is quite a funny thing! :)

Unreal...

2010-04-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

Today a couple had their separate car keys died on them both on the same day, one after another! How freaky! What kinds of super ultra extra enmeshment just happened? Unreal...

They also tried to save a kitten under the drizzling rain by chasing after it to send it up for adoption...but bearing the keyword "tried"...after being semi-wet, and illegally (pretty sure it's illegal) climbing into the neighbours hourse to reach it, the kitten decided to hide in the bushes and not show herself! Ouch!

What a day?!?

Nevertheless it was a good day! =)

In the midst of it all...

2010-04-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

In the midst of it all...I am thankful that I have you!

(Really, that's all I want and have to say...)

Be it or be it not?

2010-04-05T22:19:00.000+08:00

The fact that nothing is permanent can sometimes be just quite daunting.
In fact really, nothing in this world can promise eternity...
Which ponders the question if love is evanescent?
Be it or be it not, enjoy each fruitful day as it comes...
Invest your all in the ones you adore, for you only live once and you have nothing to lose!

"We must realise and be ever conscious of the fact that life is fugacious and ephemeral."
— Bobson Gbinije

Have you watched How To Train Your Dragon?

2010-04-04T19:16:00.000+08:00

Here is a preview of my version...

You are my Hiccup!

I'm your Toothless dragon.

You train me, and I will be loyal to you...

I will keep you from other dragons, coz you are (MINE) vulnerable...

We complement each other and are the best when combined!

Train your dragon well, for it will be protect you and bring you lots of fun flying you around and about! Wheee! >_<

It is right...

2010-04-04T12:35:00.000+08:00

It is right when it feels right.

It feels right to be in a highly stressed situation right now (knowing that the stress will wear and I will be strongER!)

It feels right to be wanting something real bad (knowing that I will be motivated to work hard enough for it!)

It feels right to be in this with you (knowing that I smile myself to sleep and I smile myself awake each day!)

I like it when it feels right! =)

Strike a balance, please?

2010-04-02T23:34:00.001+08:00

Sometimes life gets a little boring, evil thoughts randomly attack your mind giving you strange ideas to flea from where you are. Either that or an angelic voice agreeing with you on your current struggles and pain and would like you to continue sinking lower and lower until you hit rock bottom. Other times you go on a high and like a flying balloon you wonder when will ever be on the same level as the clouds (and if you would ever be so lucky to meet Carebears?). But what is life without a taste of some evilness and some sweetness? Good news is that nothing is permanent...you can never get too sad or too happy, too blase or too excited, too bad or too good, too rotten or too beautiful. Life needs to be a fine-tuned journey. If you aim to be happy all the time you'd be manic, or if you dwell in your unhappiness excessively you'd be depressed. I wish to stike a balance and live in moderation. What about you?

What is ADHD??

2010-03-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

Here's a taste of what I study/do...Enjoy (not!)... :)

BEHAVIOURAL DEFINITION OF ADHD (made simple!):

ADLIO-HI-CANS

Children with ADHD are often complained for their short ATTENTION SPAN, which make sense that they are eadily DISTRACTED in class. Due to that, they are also perceived to have poor LISTENING, which often leads to inability to follow INSTRUCTIONS. Because they are unble to follow simple guidelines, many at times they would have very limited ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS too. Now all these symptoms point them towards behaving in a HYPERACTIVE and IMPULSIVE manner. When they are unable to sit still and control themselves, it only make sense that they beccome more CARELESS, and somewhat unable to ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY by often blaming others. When they do ruminate in their avoidance for responsibility, they are in fact adopting NEGATIVE ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOURS which result in poor SOCIAL SKILLS and lower SELF ESTEEM.

You...

2010-03-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

On days when I don't feel I have the strength to carry on, you are always there to pull me through
Your smile brightens my day, your laughter warms my heart
You are my one and only as well as my number one
You always know what to say and when not to say anything at all
You generously give me your all when all I asked for was a listening ear
I know I can always count on you whenever the world turns its back at me
All you ever wanted is an exchange of a simple smile for every big or little effort you do
How can I ever thank you enough for your genuine care and concern
I must have been touched by an angel
And I am pretty damn sure the angel is YOU!

V for Victory!

2010-02-27T14:22:00.000+08:00

What you said to me last night made me renew to a greater length of my admiration towards your courage and your determinism to stay focused and not lose sight. You've boldly declare how badly you've been wanting this, that this has become the be-all and end-all of you...

I know how much this means to you, and believe me when I say I admire your courage and your determinism. As such, I give my word to you...I promise that I will never let you ever go down without a fight. Should you one day lose all energy to keep going, I will stop running my own race, and I will push you from your behind to ensure that you finish the race victoriously!

S for Shit Supervision

2010-02-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

It's gonna be a venting entry...

I had the worst supervision ever! Yes, EVER! I'm not exaggerating, only stating the fact!
One of my videos was reviewed by my supervisor, which I was big time surprised by the transcript she's written because the 4 pages full of scribbles would only mean that she had been concentrating in front of the monitor to note my expressions as well as listened to every single word I uttered as I conducted my session. I was both very grateful and impressed that she took me so seriously that my trail of endless mistakes/faults due to my incompetence and inadequacy were jotted down one by one and then processed during supervision, which lasted for approximately 45 minutes. In the 45 minutes with her as we went through my "ares of improvement", the feeling was not nice! On one hand I felt like I was being punished as my mistakes were picked out one by one with no mercy at all, but then on the other hand, I felt like my wound were being cleaned and dressed to perfection by a gentle and caring supervisor. I must admit that I have never felt this way for a while.

As I reflect upon what I did which were (mostly) wrong in the last session, I really cannot pinpoint it to anything at all. Though I feel incompetent but my confidence is not hampered. I know I am inadequate, but I am not at all limiting myself to absorbing as much knowledge as I possibly can. I kept reminding myself that I have done this before, I used to do it so well, and therefore there is no reason for such carelessness or decline in skills. I know I am capable!

Right now, I feel like an ant. I know an ant may be small and could not be noticed by many before being stepped and ignored. But on the flip side of it, I know what an ant is capable of. An ant is hardworking and wise! I may look like a fool in the eyes of my supervisor now, but at least I am teachable and I strive to improve. If anything, this had renewed my impression on supervision and on my work in general - to take this seriously, damn seriously! and also take pride in the job I do. My past experience with supervision were most of the time pleasant and pleasing. This whole new experience had given me a refreshing start which I am confident that it will only make me better!

"Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer." Proverbs 30:25

"Go to the ant, you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Proverbs 6:6-7

What is it?

2010-02-16T13:56:00.000+08:00

Weekday birthdays:
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Throw you a party this weekend, yeah? Too much hassle to have it today seeing that it's Monday, bad traffic everywhere and moreover tomorrow we'll have to wake up early for work! So, see you this weekend!" --> But a person's birthday only happens once a year, even so can't you make that little sacrifice to celebrate it on the day itself?

Have not found the "perfect" gift (yet):
"Hey, I'm so sorry I have not found the perfect gift for you! I've looked around a few shopping malls and still can't find something fitting for you! Owe it to you first, ya...I have something in mind for you, once I get my hands on them, I'd send it to you right away!" --> Really? You have been looking? If you know jolly well that you need to get a gift for a certain occasion by a certain date, can't you take the effort to start looking and organise yourself a little earlier? Well if it is important to you, I don't see why not!

Monetary gifts:
"Here's a small red packet for you! I figured I'm lousy at getting gifts, would be much better than I gave you some cash and you can go spoil yourself." --> Lousy at getting gifts or just another excuse for being lazy? Don't you want the person to remember you by that something you went through great lengths to get him/her?

Combined celebration:
"Since it's your birthday and our anniversary this month, let's have a double celebration at one go! We'd go and have a fancy dinner end of this month to celebrate both occasions so we won't need to crack our heads to think of where to go for two separate events!" --> Hmmm, this is unfair! The person did not ask for her birthday to be two days before her anniversary, did she? Two separate occasions deserve two separate celebrations. It's definitely not a hassle, it's another reason for celebration!

How do you justify these situations? Are these genuine responses or responses for convenience's sake? Is it our lifestyle? Is it because we are trapped in the hussle and bustle of our busy-bee society, which makes us become less thoughful and more of a slacker? I have no idea, I sometimes find myself being trapped in such excuses as well. But when I think of how important that person is to me, I try to go the extra mile to make the person feel special. I know sometimes we can't help it due to our busy schedules and what not. As I am expressing my thoughts at the moment, I can't help but feel extremely guilty for all the birthdays of special people I missed especially in the last year. Things that have passed unfortunately I cannot change, however I am fortunate for today and many tomorrows. As such, I shall try to mark down those special days and make sure they don't go unnoticed! ;)

North, South, East or West?

2010-02-12T00:02:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt like a little mouse chasing after a piece of cheese dangling in front of you? That's a bit of what I'm feeling now. In fact, there is not only a single block of cheese in front of me, there are multiple. All equally nice tasting, and all equally as high quality. What do you do when situation is calling for you to choose one of of the many? Although being given the hint that they all taste equally as good and maintain an equal high standard, how would you go about picking the best piece for you? Most importantly, how do you know what you have picked will serve as the best for you?

Sometimes, the best thing to do is really just to listen to your heart. But what do you do when your heart is not saying anything to you? It's all a matter of timing, really? Does that mean I keep sitting on it and eventually something might happen? I would like to think that I want it hard enough and therefore sacrifices are worth the while. But the thing now is that whichever way I choose, I seem to be sacrificing something anyway. OMG...life is complicated? I want to live a simple life! Or Simpler! :p

The Month of February...

2010-02-09T15:49:00.000+08:00

Is it an advantage or a disadvantage that Chinese New Year 2010, so happen to fall on the same day as Valentine's Day??!?!? Is it going to be a double celebration or a deprieved celebration? Will I be seeing more red roses on the streets or more red packets in the bag? :p

Your happiness is mine too...

2010-02-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm not one who likes to show off, simply because it's simple enough that I know I'm not. I know how uncomfortable it is for the receiving party when people brag on about what's new and dear to them. Although I know sometimes that we cannot help but get so caught up in our own happiness that we put others down or unconsciously describe ourselves in lingo such as "us" versus "them". I know I don't like to be put in such situation and therefore, I am very careful as not to put anyone through such agony.

However, this is slowly becoming a problem for me as nowadays I adopt the idea that whenever I share good news with others, I am highlighting my happiness, and that to me is almost becoming a taboo. It's almost like me telling people about my success would mean that I'm putting myself on the pedestal. As a result, many at times, I find that I hesitate a lot to share good news with others. I'm not sure if I cannot or I dare not express myself. "Cannot" because I'm afraid that I may offend others who are probably not on the same boat as myself and "dare not" for the fear of losing such happiness too early, too soon.

So what exactly is my problem? I cannot be happy for myself? I cannot express happiness? This sometimes frustrates me as I hear other people brag and go on and on and on about their satisfaction in life. When they do tell me something pleasant about their lives/jobs/relationships/families/etc, I do get very excited for them. In fact, I love to hear happy reports from poeple. I really do feel happy for them and I genuinely smile from the inside as I embrace their news as my own. It's really effortless for me to be happy for others, but how come when it comes to dealing with my own happiness, I feel a sense of guardedness??

Future?

2010-01-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

Just a random thought...I wonder what would the future look like for me??

I entertain this thought from time to time, think for a while until no conclusions can be made, feel a bit restless and unsure and usually let out a long sigh as I snap myself back to reality. It is scary sometimes when you do think to yourself, "gee if this or that had/n't happen, I'd be doing this or that?!?!?" I don't regret for the things I have done or have not done in the past. I am looking forward to a hopeful future. Just that at this point in time, future seems way too far away. As I slowly sail through my here and now, I sometimes wish someone/something could assure me that my future can look a certain way.

As I said, just a random thought...

Ello says Hello!

2010-01-25T23:35:00.003+08:00

Ello is a new pet I received a little over three weeks ago...Apparently the person who gave it to me said that elephant symbolizes strength, humbleness and hard work. Upon receiving Ello, the student in me had decided to sit him upon a pedestal on my study desk to remind me of it's wonderful traits as a strong, humble and hardworking animal. I immediately fell in love with it and wish to share that with you. If you are wondering what could be of guidance to you this year, maybe try being like Ello?!?!? ;) (p/s: that's Ello after having McD's for breakfast...it's all full and very satisfied with both food and toy!)

Fruit of the week: "Be Encouraged!"
Whatever that you are pursuing at this point in time, please be reminded to "be encouraged". Sometimes, it's easy to lose sight of the greater picture when we only dwell on current our pains/obstacles. Let us be encouraged to continue fighting the battle and work hard at achieving whatever we've have set out to achieve! =) Gambate!!

Warming Up!

2010-01-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

Slowly warming up to the load...After not seeing clients for about a month and a bit, it almost feels like all skills harvested before the holidays just conveniently flew out the window. Sad, ain't it?!?

At times like this, it helps to remind myself that "I am here to learn!" Though different supervisors means different approach and what not, I still only have one objective that I cling on to, "I choose this site to get my hands dirty, and therefore soaking my hands in mud and shit is expected for the sake of L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G!"

Though the brain engine does take a bit more time to warm up to the demands, I must not lose sight, and always remember that my "BEAUTIFUL HEART" is polished to be "SERIOUS" and "PURPOSEFUL".

External Practicum

2010-01-17T18:03:00.000+08:00

I don't really know how to describe my feelings at the moment. I'm one step closer to becoming a professional?? I don't know if I can put it that way...anyway tomorrow will mark the beginning of my External Practicum. Along with excitement of seeing REAL DEAL clients, I'm also very anxious about my own capabilities. I'm not sure if it's self-confidence but I have a feeling it's not. It's more like knowing I'd be thrown into the deep sea, not having my 10 other classmates there to vent and to support when things get a lil rough is quite daunting! It's at times like this that makes me realise how much my fellow classmates have contributed to the successful completion of my last 3 semesters! Not easy at all, but with them, they make it easiER. Together we shared our load, we embraced in each others' successes, we support each others' weaknesses, we encourage, we played, we fought (and we fought hard!), we did most things as a team. Now that we'll be going our separate ways as we start our external practicum, I wish each and every one of us the best of luck! Though we'll be seeing lesser of each other, let's not forget how efficient we were as a team and let's continue to be of encouragement to each other!

Is does sound like I'm going through separation anxiety...whatever it is, the lil stress that I'm feeling could just be a good thing I hope! =)

To External Practicum! =)

New Year, New Beginnings!

2010-01-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

I've never done anything like this before, and to add to it, I have never thought I was competent enough to be holding down a job like that...I guess to a new beginning, I shall dig up my courage, have a taste of it, let my hair down, and enjoy myself??

I was selected as a teaching assistant for one of the subjects along with another coursemate! Woohoo! "Congratulations, Chelle!" I know...for those of you who know me, you know how much this sort of thing isn't really my kinda thing? But hey, to everything, there is first! And to this, how else would I wanna have a taste of it if it was not one of the subjects I am passionate about? Anyway, I see this as a milestone in my life. And to those who say "never" to some things, think again! "Never say never..." for you never know when you'll be called up!

As with my new year resolution to keep my dreams at heart and to fight hard for them, I think this is a fantastic place to start! =) Everyone out there, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know this will be a great year, so play hard, folks!

Little Miss Intimidating

2009-09-13T00:21:00.003+08:00

Of late I have been very irritated by childish behaviour displayed by one of the many people I know. She is one who thinks the world of herself, clearly egocentric to the core, and neither has she got shame nor guilt for her filthy behaviour. She is one who would like to come across as the no-nonsense person attempting to present herself to be as professional as she can be, but at the same time having next to zero of any interpersonal relationship skills. I'm clearly unsure if she is just putting on a mask to reflect her superiority or if she really thinks of herself as a super goddess!

Anyway, she would not even be worth a mention for all the nonsense she's done to try to inflict pain onto those around her. I have no idea if she did them intentionally or not. I don't know, and quite honestly don't care. I have lost all respect for her as a person when I learnt how nasty she can get. I would rather stay off her radar!

Now if you have a problem with someone, clearly wanting to present yourself as someone so professional, you would do the appropriate by addressing the problem and not the person right? I have no idea what game is this person attempting to play. But get this, I have been nice enough to entertain your nastiness all these while. Despite all the shit you have done, to date I still reponded to your jokes, your comments, your responses...because I understand respect and am capable of resisting being a childish being like you. Right from this second, I am giving your no priviledge. You will be invisible in my eyes, and I will not give a damn what you do. For you will not initimidate me because you are powerless to me! Powerless in my eyes! So long, and farewell!

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

2009-09-09T23:29:00.001+08:00

I've just swapped Brissy time to KL time...now let's do this again...

HAPPY OHNINE.OHNINE.OHNINE!! =)

OhNine.OhNine.OhNine

2009-09-09T23:24:00.002+08:00

Next time this date comes about I'd probably be 125 years old...chances of me living till then, erm, reality is that it's gonna be quite slim!

Anyway, happy Oh Nine, Oh Nine, Oh Nine everyone!

Hope your day was not as exhausting as mine...
I survived and will now look forward to Ten Ten Ten!
From now till then, please work hard people, and take care! ;)

Little Lady

2009-08-13T14:51:00.003+08:00

Of late working with children became quite a routine, entering and leaving one kindy after another. There were kindies where upon leaving, I would think to myself, "Geez, how does the teacher keep sane with such a bunch of bouncing beans", some left me thinking, "Wow, not quite a bad job, the children were so adorable".

My childhood dream was to run a kindy of my own. What I used to term the one-of-a-kind kindy. My dream kindy would include academic work to get the brain going, day care with trustworthy people to look after the little bubbles (for the working parents), along with enrichment classes (music/dancing lessons), and hobby/play groups all packed into one. Almost like a one stop shop. I used to always say all the teachers I employ must love kids as much as I do. Hahhaha, asking a bit too much there, I reckon! Well, when you are young and naive, your thoughts reflect.

However I still think my dream job would include children and travelling. Children for how adorable they are, and travelling for I get bored of things/places pretty easily. Maybe not a kindy, maybe a developmental centre, one day...

Funny how I grew up having little to do with kids; I am amazed by how I manage to handle them just quite well. This one in particular, my little lady, never fails to make my day. I would openly admit that I spoil her rotten. Sometimes playing with her is the most therapeutic thing. I quite enjoy being silly with her, and then see her generously offering her giggles, hugs, and kisses.

Small taste of bitter-sweet feelings

2009-08-12T23:29:00.003+08:00

I sometimes get angry at the smallest, and most insignificant events...I wonder why? I would like to be so much enlightened that I become so calm, so much so that nothing aggitates or irritates me, yet I find it a challenge. I dislike being bossed around, I dislike who thinks a world of themselves, I dislike people who make use of other people, I dislike people who are too dependent on others, I dislike ignorent freaks, and the list goes on...I am confident I will have the strength to see pass all these to achieve enlightenment one day, maybe not some day soon...but maybe in the next 30 years??

I have been doing quite a lot of catching up lately - which I pretty much enjoy! The thing I like about catching up is that, it feels quite surreal, as though nothing changed...different places, same people...Met up with some old school friends, and even an ex colleague from the first company I worked at in Brisbane. Sweet. At the very least despite my busy schedule, I am doing one of the many things I set out to do as I decided to relocate home. Small taste of sweetness like this, gets me going. Thanks for taking the effort and time to meet up y'all...means a lot to me! =)

Let Him Take Control

2009-07-23T23:44:00.004+08:00

How would I fulfill 60 hours of direct clinical service when I currently only have 16 hours?
How would I work with a population of my choice when choices seem so limited?
How would I find time for my already planned trip when it's supposedly "crunch time" now?
How would I complete Practicum 1 when it feels so far from completion?
How would I get myself out there so that I can start paving my own path for my future?

Flooded with many questions reflecting current insecurities of being overwhelmed by workload which seems so difficult to complete. To top it off, a trip has already been planned for Brisbane since months, and months ago for the duration of 3 weeks from 10-28th August, would clash right with Practicum Assessment scheduled on 17-21st August. My excitement for the trip had turned into anxiety and distress knowing that I will not be able to complete my required direct clinical service of 60 hours - in fact I am far from even having banked in 1/2 the hours. By now I have passed the whining and whinging stage where I blamed the poorly structured course as a whole, lack of communication between many parties, no clear and precise information given, having the "as expected" attitudes, having lack of clients to share among trainees, etc, etc, etc...

Going to bed last night was not an easy thing to do, tossing, and turning, and hoping for a solution to birth that would solve my current distress. I can't remember how long it took for me to finally fall asleep, but rest assured it took me quite some time, as I recalled checking the time for more than 5 times! This morning as I opened my eyes, I felt really tired. Tired from thinking, and being extremely worried about my current situation. Not knowing what to do, I suddenly felt hopeless and far away from the exit in the tunnel. So much was going through my head that I took a deep breath and looked out the window. As I do that, something kinda knocked some sense into my head as started praying...

I prayed for direction from God. I prayed for the Lord to grant me opportunity to utilize my talents, so that I can be used in areas of my passion. I didn't know where these words came from, but I continued seeking wisdom, seeking clarity of the mind, and seeking courage to do what needs to be done. The word "opportunity" resounded many times, I was clearly seeking a window of opportunity to express the desires of my heart.

Sometimes when you don't know what to do anymore, and when impossibility seems like the only word in your vocabulary, try prayer!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Phillipians 4:6.

Sometimes surrendering everything to God is the best way out. I prayed believing that I would be heard...

Miraculously, within hours I see opportunity knocking at my door step, one after another...Today had been a fruitful day, a day I shall never forget... *SmileS*

And it starts again...

2009-05-30T14:45:00.003+08:00

When I'm stressed, I tend to have the inclination to go and splurge on beautiful things. Can't really explain how shopping elevates my mood within seconds but it just does. The thing is, the causal of my stress at the moment is not having enough time to finish my work hence suffering the effects of these pressure. If I brave myself, put my work on hold and go shopping anyway, I know I will have no time to finish my work, but will be able to steal some time to indulge in some pleasurable activity. But reality is that stress will increase once I orientate myself back into work mode anyway. However, if I cling on to my stress, forget about shopping and force myself to finish the task at hand first, I would continue to run in the stress gear with no fun, and by the time my work finishes, the things I've had my eyes on might just be sold out! And that would mean stress from work plus stress from not getting what I deem as pleasurable = double dose of deadly stress!!

Here I go again...4 weeks into the new semester, I am feeling the familiar familiarity all over again!

Fun-kinda-tiredness

2009-05-25T23:30:00.003+08:00

It's been quite a day...
Exhausting...
Draining...
Tiring...
But I quite enjoyed it.

My day started at the clinic where drilling started with my supervisor. I must say it was a very constructive session where I got drilled where appropriate and needed. She was actually pretty lenient with such a inadequate supervisee like myself. I sincerely hope that by the end of my supervision with her, I would have learnt a lot from her and able to be a better person at my job.

The next part of my day, I was invited to speak about my experience in surviving Australia as an International student. I was so nervous that one part I just blurted out, "What the hell!" real loudly, hahahah! I spoke so fast that I couldn't put a pause at what I was saying. I must say I felt really honoured being invited to participate in this event with people I used to work with in Brisbane. Brought back lots of memories. I used to view these people being my superior, and out of a sudden, that superiority schema which I set them upon just disappeared. Now it almost feels like we're on the same level. It was a very tiring day but at the end of it, I wished I could engage in that kinda tiredness once more. It's tiredness that I can put a period and go home not thinking about work for tomorrow. Where else as a student, my days are never ending, in that when I get home today, I still have to finish my work for tomorrow and prepare for tomorrow's lesson and that sucks! My day rolls on and on, and on and on... Suck big time!

Talent or Skill??

2009-05-23T23:54:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if talents were given to match our predestined life?

Look, I really don't know if I have the talent to do what I am suppose to do...On the other hand I have so much more talent to do the things I wish I could do. People always say skills can be trained and sharpened. But why must my blunted skills be sharpened? Why can't I just use my already sharpened skills to cope in life? Is the grass always greener on the other side and that is why we are always usually tempted to bring out the part of us which is there but not quite there? We do this because we think this path would lead us to a better life rather than using the resources that we already have?

Between A and B, I honestly prefer B...but I have to complete A before I can get to B. I don't really need to complete A to get to B but since I've already started with A, I might as well complete it at the finishing line. By then hopefully B will still be an option and resources would still be there for B to come to success.

Dear Student

2009-05-19T22:49:00.002+08:00

Sleep is starting to become a problem (again) these days. The new semester had only commenced last week and already after jotting down deadlines and expectations from lecturers, supervisor, and course mates, I find myself counting sheep with (unsuccessful) attempts to sleep...

I know pretty damn well that this semester will be hectic and I will not be able to afford sleep any lesser than what I am already lacking. I think I sorta, kinda know the roots to my problem. Am I setting too high expectations for myself that they become somewhat unrealistic, hence I overwhelm myself, which in turn caused so much uncalled for worries resulting in disturbance in sleep?

I don't want to lose my holistic experience of being back in KL to some mere academic expectations that I forsake other departments of my life. Already some things in my life is being at high risk, as I take a dramatic hold. Education to me has never been about books and lessons. It should include fun and the experience of here and now! What happened to the laid back, easy-going, stress-free girl I used to know?

Slow Down Mr Speedy!

2009-05-16T02:15:00.003+08:00

I thought I'd have the privilege to post more entries describing my adjustment back to KL etc. Little did I know, being back here is no privilege, and Internet has got to be the worst thing I've ever battled with. After so many months, still nothing works. Out of my neighbour's kindness and generosity, I'm still able to use his connection, with his permission. But using something that does not belong to oneself means my flexibility is dependent on the owner. I have to work my "surfing" schedule around his. As much as I'm grateful for his kindness, being snapped off the Internet is not fun at all whilst in the middle of important tasks (by important I don't mean blog surfing or facebooking...I mean academic-related work). Due to my current circumstance, blogging has really been forced to take on secondary priority. Not like blogging has always been my priority, anyway. As much as I try, it just somehow do not seem to feel that important to me these days. I miss those days when I had the luxury to pen down my feelings and happenings in conservative diary-style. I remember days back in the good old school days where I would religiously jot down, and reflect on my daily happenings before I crawl into bed each night. Nowsdays as I go through my busy, nasty days, I often find myself rehearsing lines for my journal entries, but in my busy schedule, I almost find no time to sit down to reflect on my day on a daily basis. Such is life when it gets a little too speedy...

Am I who you think I am?

2009-05-15T19:31:00.002+08:00

Stressors in life can throw you off-center, can it? As such, things that we don't need in life, we choose to eliminate. Coming from a people-pleaser personality, and the humanistic perspective, I have always thought of the need to accept people for who they are. I guess this view came from my limitted exposure to the specturm of people in our society. As naive as it may sound, I had always thought I have to agree with the people I care, and by agreeing, I should put their happiness first. Putting their happiness first, meaning to be like a loyal dog who does what is asked of the master - "sit here", "wag your tail", "keep going", "pee now", "stupid dog", "fetch it", "go now!", "good dog". Yes, to be like a dog. To those who matters to me, and I know appreciate me for who I am, I don't mind being a dog to them, but to some who are condescending, demanding, domineering, and authorotarian, maybe next time, ya?? Maybe one day when I'm self-actualised and reached my enlightenment. Till then, good riddence my condescending friend! =)

Labour Day

2009-05-01T00:33:00.001+08:00

To all Labourers out there...GOOD DAY! =)

S for Shopping...

2009-05-01T00:20:00.002+08:00

TEA & SYMPATHY
OPPSIE DAISY
BLUEBERRY
MOCA
MOOIE
GOSSIP

Catchy names they are...I spent the afternoon loitering around Bangsar going in and out, up and down shop lots, going through collections after collections of clothes to pick a few which made me very happy. Why not shop, when apparently shopping is way cheaper than paying to see a psychologist!

I don't know...it's not easy not feeling stressed anymore these days. Stress seems to be a constant, ongoing thing that when it stops, I feel odd. I feel like it's somehow not right and I need to surrounded by some sorta stress to make my life "normal".

Geez someone, give me some super, uber, ultra good news to make me feel like a bunch of floating balloons again, please??!?!??!?!

Till then, a shopaholic I shall be! ;)

2 Assignments Away

2009-04-21T10:15:00.002+08:00

I'm 2 assignments away from completing my first semester as a graduate student!
I woke up this morning, thinking I'm so close yet so far...
But it's only the first semester...I see a super long and ultra winding road in front of me through this journey. Overwhelming!

Still Here...

2009-04-16T09:02:00.003+08:00

"I'm still here!"

This reminds me, while working back in Brisbane, I almost always get locked in at work, being the last to go (on Fridays at least!), I would get the lights switched off on me and the main door locked by one of the staff...hence, "I'm still here!".

In this context, I'm still here, blogging...

Been a while, at least I'm still alive...

I took the plunge, I decided to come home to KL, to further my studies in Psychology. I don't know if my being in the program was accidental? Fated? Desired? But one thing I do know, I'm stressed to my core! I'm chemically and socially imbalanced, my life somewhat took a downward spiral...trying to stay optimistic, I'm convinced to think that my current state or permanence is merely my own interpretation.

What happens next?

Gee, I wish I could predict...we shall wait and see.

Well, at the very least, like it or not I'm still here! =)

Don't Wanna Grow Up...

2008-09-06T21:32:00.002+08:00

These few weeks had been hectic and will continue on till I know for sure what I'll be doing with my life. I have too many things on my plate - packing for the move, getting ready for my trip home, mind-organising dad's 50th birthday bash, work stress and not to forget the lingering pain of the ultimate decision as to go home or to stay!

At times like this, when I have too many things happening at once, I always feel very emotional and weak...maybe it's an indication that I am indeed weak. I know I will get through it (as I usually do!), but it just very mind boggling when having so many things to attend to at once.

In another weekend, we will be out of our current place - 4/95 Berry Street...I will surely and sadly miss this place. Lots of memories, lots of love, and lots of joy shared...I'm so over moving from one place to another, but this has become a norm for renters like us - we live like nomads...up and go at any time. Landlords up the rent every 6 months...but our pay don't go up to match with the soaring living expenses, thus leaving us with not much choice but to leave to a more affordable alternative. I'm so gonna miss the convenience and the lifestyle of living in this place. So close to everywhere...work, city, shopping, food!

I miss my family...I know I will be going home in 3 weeks time, but I know this trip home will be very emotional for me. Such a big part of me longs to be at home with the family...but the other parts know very well to be practical and do what is right. I hate being a grown up when things are not as easy anymore. Thank God I have a partner whom I can count on to be family for me here. Without him, I wouldn't be able to survive the last few horrible weeks. I complained, whined, whinged...but yet through it all he stood by me and just kept reassuring me that tomorrow will be a better day. I am fed up with my current work situation...makes me very upset. I work very well with my boss but I really cannot see any future for me in that role anymore. I fear going to work...I don't like my boss treating me so nicely because that will only make me feel more guilty and I could end up staying on in this job. I wish I'd be able to do something drastically unacceptable so that I'd be asked to leave...stupid thinking...but what more can I ask for to kill the guilt?

Another Level of Maturity

2008-09-04T21:43:00.002+08:00

My sorrow at work will end by tomorrow, but through the whole ordeal, I have found a new level of maturity. As much as I whined and complained about work, I would never in my life wished for someone to lose their jobs. My colleague has finally tendered her resignation. I cannot help but feel guilty...guilty that I have put her in such a terrible position that she chose to give up her job! She had complained that she had been given "cold shoulder" of late...I can't help but feel that I have been hit right in the head. True I have stopped chatting to her, but the reason behind it was so that she can learn to concentrate and focus as she admitted that those were her major problems distracting her work. There is a fine line between power and bullying...I don't think I like being given the dirty job of supervising someone. Power or bully?? It sucks...it makes you feel like you are the most nasty person in the world! Then again, through it all, I have matured another level...accepting another aspect of life...you just cannot please everyone...sometimes when it comes to the crunch it really boils down to either she dies or I die.

By-the-way, today marks exactly 2 years of my contribution to the company. In 2 years time, I have gone through 3 colleagues...something much be so wrong with me that i expressed loyalty...I think it's time to up and go...no point showing loyalty in staying in a place where there is no opportunity for growth, and unappreciative management. My boss thinks that after "getting rid" of my colleague, my work life would recover and be less stressful. This is like history repeating itself, when my other colleague left last year, I had to do the job of 2 persons...i expressed how stressful it was...but doesn't seem like anyone cares? Because I will have to be doing this again and knowing the management of this company, no new staff until one is exhausted. I need not exhaust myself again...I am looking forward to leaving this routine behind...Thanks but no thanks!

Father's Love

2008-08-29T21:50:00.002+08:00

Let me share a story...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who finished 3rd in class when she was in Standard 6 and as a result, dad had a golden question for her, "Now tell me, what can I reward you for your excellent results?", The girl had all along wanted to join her friends roller-blading at a nearby park but unfortunately, she did not own a pair of roller-blades at that time. So, she quietly blurted out from the corner of her lips, "Can I have a pair of roller-blades?" Dad's instant reaction was, "Great, we shall go shopping for a pair of roller-blades for you soon!" Too ecstatic by t he news, this girl had her smile from cheek-to-cheek plastered on her face for the rest of the day.

Along came the special day, finally it was THE day for the girl to go shopping with dad for a pair of roller-blades. She is thinking in her heart, "Not long before I hit the blading rink with all the other kids!" Dad specially took a day off work to accompany his precious daughter to shop for the ideal pair of roller-blades. All this girl wanted was a pair of roller-blades which had its tiny wheels in one line and a pair that fitted her feet. Being 12, she suggested that they start off at Toys"R"Us because she had had her eyes on them for the longest time. She knew exactly which aisle to run down to and had her eyes fixed on a pair of pink one (admittedly quite childish looking). She was also very considerate for her age as she didn't want her dad to spend a fortune on the gift. This pair that she saw, was tagged at $120-00 and she thinks to herself, "perfect!", hoping dad agrees to it to. She just stood there, smiling at that pair of blades on display like a child craving a lolly for being good. Dad carefully walked down the aisle, inspecting each pair of roller-blades, doing his homework in learning what is good and what is not. After staring at the little beauty for all about 15 minutes, she felt nervous as her dad has not shown any indication of making a purchase. Without even trying, dad dragged the girl out of the store saying, "These roller blades here are made for children! You are having a pair that does a good job or nothing at all!" Sulking with disappointment, the girl thought to herself, "I don't think I'll be joining the rest of the girls at the park this weekend afterall, doesn't look like dad's convinced in getting me a pair. Is $120-00 too expensive? Maybe this is just too big of an ask!"

Still sulking, dad and the girl entered a sports shop which carried all the branded sporting gears. Dad looked, while the girl stood quietly in the corner, trying to be at her best behaviour. Dad started engaging in conversation with the sales assistant while I look on. He told the sales person, "My daughter finished 3rd in class, I promised her I'll get her a pair of roller blades, so we are shopping around." They even got into the teachnical parts of the blades which I never even heard of. They sales person introduced us to numerous brands and briefed us on the differences and the what-nots of different makes. I stood there, pretended to listen, as all I wanted was a pair of blades that would let me blade like other girls. In my heart I hated this guy for blabbering non-stop to dad. Stop it already! As predicted, they continued on.

Waiting anxiously, finally dad is happy with one particular brand and he's given the green lights for this guy to bring a pair in the girl's size so she can have a go at it. Dad asked her which pair she wanted to try out of the range in this brand. She pointed at the marroon pair. Had them on and loved them. As dad looked at his girl standing up pretty wobbly in the pair of blades, it suddenly triggered another question, "I don't think this pair is good enough girl, the wheels cannot be changed!". The girl replied, "But I don't care dad, as long as I can go to the park in them!". Dad almost ignorning what the girl's response, asked the sales person to bring them through a selection roller-blades with changeable wheels. And he did as told. Dad picked out a metallic blue one and asked if his daughter liked them. The girl politely replied, "They are too expensive dad!". Dad again ignored her had asked for the appropriate size so that the girl can try them on. After fitted them on, she looked so proud as if to say she was flying in the air.

Dad looked impressed by this pair, but the girl was concerned when she saw the price tag of $380 marked on it. She knows she doesn't need such an expensive pair as she is no expert of any sort and merely wanted it for hobby's sake. When dad was about to make payment, he suddenly remembered of something too enormously important to forget, "What about safety guards? You know this kind of things are very dangerous and if she falls, which she more than likely will, she will leave scars on her skin. I don't want to buy her something that will leave her scars. Moreover she's a girl, she cannot have scars all over her, can she?" Sales person acknowledged and showed dad all the safety equipment available in the store. Dad picked out the most expensive, which also means thickest of thick paddings for a wrist-palm guard and a knee guard. Dad even wanted to pick out a pair of helmet, but the girl just wouldn't agree to it. So in the end, it was the pair of blades, wrist-palm guards and knee guards. All packed and paid for. Before the girl left the shop, the sales assistant made a comment that made her feel overly guilty. He said, "You are one very lucky girl, for your dad to spend so much money on a pair of roller blades for a beginner like yourself!" Shy and blushing was I, I left the shop with a smile that never left my face for the longest time.

The girl was me. This had happened more than 10 years ago, but I can remember each moment of it ever so clearly. I was so touched that my dad took my interest so seriously, and mean every word he says. I'm not trying to show off or to tell the world that I own a pair of expensive roller blades. What I am trying to express is the genuine, fatherly love only a father shows. My dad is well known for being very careful with his money but yet whenever it comes to me, everything has to be nothing less than best! He had given me so much over the years that I feel so honored and proud to have such loving and generous parents. I have always told my parents, should there be a next life, I don't want to be born to parents who are more famous, much wealthier, or better looking, I simply want these two back as my parents. The love that is shared in our family is extraordinary. Nothing too special, but these two parents just keep constantly giving the very best to their ability to their daughter. For this I honor them and I thank them from the very bottom of my heart!

Love XOXO
MichelleC~*

Glamorous Work Station

2008-08-29T19:58:00.003+08:00

Welcome to my new work-station! Currently being demoted to the archive room in the dungeon...Boring, filthy, dusty, smelly, and all sorts of descriptions to fit a room filled with nothing else but files! Oh, wait a minute there was also a step ladder, boxes for storing files temporarily, and other marketing materials. So much for work place health and safety!

I have spent majority of 2 days filing and archiving students files from last year. My body is starting to ache now, not to mention the cuts all over from those stupid metal fastener and staples! If you have not experienced working in an archive room, it's seriously not funny at all! Reaching up high, bending down low...looking at names to sort them in alphabetical order, after a while all you see is just *^#%$@&^#*#&$*^&%@^#%^*$&!! If I see another student by the family name of WONG, I will drop dead! I just could not believe there are so many WONGS in a semester!

Thank your lucky stars if filing/archiving is not part of your very generous job description!

Sorry guys, yet another boring work post.

p/s: John's coming back from New Zealand tomorrow...hopefully he will help me stay sane! ;)

Michelle Officially HATES HER JOB!

2008-08-27T19:04:00.003+08:00

It has been made official, I HATE MY JOB!!

Let's take a stroll down my mundane full time job as a Senior Enrolments Officer (the glamorous title) aka All Rounder Admin Shit Taker (the real job description)...

0900 --> Arrive at work, log on to the computer and click "send and receive" on outlook (this will determine how well the rest of my day goes)...on a good day, I'd only receive 2 emails, which one is from mom (yay!) and the other from another ordinary full-of-demands client (boo!). On a bad day it could easily add up to 10 emails from dangerous-strangers!

0930 --> Clicking on "send and receive" again to hopefully receive a reply from my mom. But rest assured more emails will start pouring in at this time.

1000 --> Spend some time searching for a student's file among all the hundreds of the other students' files (yes, due to some person's incompetent capability in filing, this has become almost a daily routine for me!).

1030 --> Assess Applications (which merely means screening results of students to make sure they have met the correct requirements for entry into our programs.

1100 --> Start to warm up the printer as I start issuing offer letters for students.

1200 --> Scan all offer letters onto my computer and start sending very-polite emails to agents advising application statuses for their students.

1300 --> Boring data entry...all applications/offers have to be entered into the system so that other staff can have access to students' information.

1400 --> Most exciting 30 minutes of my day at work...LUNCH TIME!! *WooHoo*

1430 --> Hit "send and receive" again, yet again crossing my fingers that mom replies or entertains me with some happy news from home.

1500 --> Start the ball rolling again...same old shit of what I do from 1100 - 1300.

1700 --> Clocking off for home sweet home!

Mind you, in between my "normal" mundane duties I will still need to do some MORE mundane jobs like filing all because of an honorable statement from the boss, "Michelle, I would prefer that you be the one transferring all the past students files into the archive room because I don't trust that she will be able to file them in the correct order!" (WTF, again, eating someone else's shit!). I also have been given the honor to eves drop on telephone conversations, "Michelle, can you make sure you listen in on all her telephone conversations, because I don't think she's very confident on the phone!". I must also double check all the letters she generates because, "Michelle, can you please make sure all letters she created be checked before leaving the office? I cannot have more mistakes from this office floating out of this office anymore!" Gee, am I being punished for being too capable or what?!?!?!?!?

I have been so pissed that I have came up with this great temporary solution. I told my boss, "I will not talk to her anymore unless necessary because I don't want to distract her from her work which may then cause more mistakes and more clean-ups on my bahalf." My boss' reply, "That's a great idea!". I am so pissed that I cannot find the pleasure to speak to her anymore. Each time I speak to her, I wanna ask her this question, "Woman, do you ever learn?!?!?!?!??!" I know I sound nasty, wait till you work with her and let me know if you can tolerate all these punishments as a consequence of an incompetent colleague.

That is it...the final draw, I am officially pissed and this will be the end of my career in the admin world! And I bloody mean it! It is a shame because initially I quite like the routine of this job as there is not much stress involved and a super-uber nice boss, but these days there is not one day I come home without thinking how bloody unfair this really is!

On a lighter side, my ever-sweet boss cooked me tea for dinner. She baked lasagna last night and she brought me a container full for dinner. She had it packed nicely in a container with my name written on a post-it note tags on the container and then sent me an email letting me know that she had my dinner ready for me in the fridge! This sort of very kind boss only comes once in a lifetime, I reckon! She said, "I know John cooks your tea, now that he is away in NZ for work, we have to make sure you are eating healthy, Michelle!" Isn't she sweet? Yes, she is...

I'm not happy

2008-08-21T21:52:00.002+08:00

I'm usually pretty tolerant at work. Seldom complain and seldom bring my burden from work away from work. These days the wind must have changed directions and I have been buggered with shit from work! Now, can someone tell me what is the logic behind being hardworking, responsible, reliable and consistent at work? One should be rewarded, right? Now I'm feeling the opposite! I have been sharing an office (and workload) with a colleague who is very young and immature. She is blur, inconsistent, has memory like a sieve, doesn't show initiative, doesn't take things seriously and slow. I don't mean this in a nasty way at all or have any intentions in putting myself on the pedestal. I'm just being honest, this person just does not have what it takes to keep an office functioning, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone is made differently, and we all just have to accept it as it is. It's coming up to 8 months now, after being in a company for 8 months and yet unsure about the products sold by the company is ridiculous! Worse than that, this person doesn't know how to even file in alphabetical order (*faint*). We, or at least I have tried so damn hard, bending over backwards to make things easier for her by spoon feeding her, setting up templates for her, explaining everything in a detailed manner, writing and highlighting information, composing step- by-step guidelines...still apparently, we have to give her a second chance by starting from afresh as a new slate!?!?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!??!? 8 freaking months and still we have to babysit her?!?!?!?!? Not we, but I!! Because of her incompetency, I have been instructed to cross check her work, explain everything to her patiently and in detail, take over her work which requires interaction with external parties!! I'm furious!! Is this world unfair or what?!?!?!? Just because she is incompetent and I am, I have to cover her back, eat her shit and be at the firing-line?!?!?!?!? Fucking ridiculous!! How come people who are not pulling their weights get protected and sheltered where as people who work really hard get more shit on their plates?!?!?!?!? One person working as one and a half is not fair...as much as I've been told how much I'm being appreciated, I don't think it works this way...

Now you choose, either she gets fired or I'm gone!

That brings me to the question: Is it worth the while for being competent at work?!?!?!?!?

Few secrets revealed...

2008-08-18T22:35:00.010+08:00

Michelle still adores Hello Kitty as much as she did when she was 6!!

Michelle lives with a sadistic guy who finds pleasure out of vacuum packing soft toys!

Michelle has a very bad habit of collecting paper bags (but sadly they will all have to be abandoned as we are moving and apparently there will not be space to accommodate the pretty but useless paper bags!).

Michelle has a collection of expired chocolates as a consequence of their cuteness, they look to good to be biten, let alone digested...

Michelle recently went horse-riding for the first time in her life and was extremely proud to think that she got along pretty well with horses...at least she did not end up in a puddle of muddy-mud!

Michelle has a pet bunny (it's illegal in Queensland, nevertheless she managed to smuggle one in with her!).

Just a thought

2008-08-07T19:51:00.002+08:00

I am a Malaysian. A very proud one I must say, ask John and he will tell you I am so very Malaysian in so many ways. Unfortunately (or fortunately) this very-Malaysian is dating a non-Malaysian! Not just any n0n-Malaysian but a Malaysian rival --> Singaporean! These Singaporeans are so proud of their country and so supportive of their government which makes me quite envious at times. I wish my country would practise equal opportunity and fair-go like our neighbouring country. Unless in my dreams, I don't think these thoughts would come to realisation in the real world.

Lately, I've been receiving emails regarding Malaysia as a country for all but the wrong reasons, which truly is quite embarrassing and upsetting. This morning I received yet another email along the lines of racism. This is disgusting, outraging and horrifying to know! To know that the country I love is openly practising racism and unfair dismisals in public; as if to say we don't need all you second-class citizens contributing in our country! It saddened me to think that all along I was led to believe that I was appreciated as a citizen, and when we sang the national anthem together, we were one! Clearly this is a myth, isnt't it?

I then remembered one of my friends who was torn between Malaysian and Australian PR a while ago. Because she was like me, so "patriotic" and so "proud" to be a Malaysian. She thought if she rang the department of immigration in Malaysia, they may have mercy on her patriotism and would make an exception for the idea of dual-citizenship or even just a Malaysian PR visa. She was totally disgusted by the outcome of the telephone conversation that she applied to change her citizenship on the same day! She found out that as long as you are not practising the national religion, you are not welcome in Malaysia as a visitor, let alone a citizen! I was gobsmacked when she revealed the news to me that and my jaw dropped in shock! I knew all along I'm classed as a second class citizen back home beacuse of the colour of my skin and my religion, but I never knew they were so brutally blunt about the whole issue! This made me think...is the big G trying change the country into a one-race country? Will they be able to run the country without the help of us second-class citizens? What about "semangat perpaduan"? Different races living happily under one roof?

I must say I love my country, not so much the happenings in it but in general, I love the place I grew up and the friends I made in my country which makes me proud to be a Malaysian! I could change my citizenship if I like, but I can never change where I was born and the value instilled in myself all these years. It's sad but I think when it comes to the crunch, unless my beloved country shows some greatfulness for what my ancestors had contributed to the country generations after generations, it would be a very easy decision to chuck away the red passport and have it changed to a navy blue one!

Lost

2008-07-26T20:02:00.004+08:00

Now Farah and I seem to be the only two lost people in this big fat world.

If you have a goal and working towards something in life, if you are focused and know what you want in life, if you are determined and work very hard for what you want, then good on you! =) (and I truly mean it!)

Being lost and confused is not a very pleasant feeling. For those who don't have this problem to worry about, here you'll get a taste of it. It feels like your time is ticking super fast and you are running out of time but yet not knowing the answer to the big question in life, "What would you like to be when you grow up?" Do you get questions like that while growing up? I surely did, each year before we commence the school curriculum for the year we'd be pulled up one by one by our class teacher with this golden question, "What would you like to be when you grow up?" Now as far as I can remember these were the few ambitions that I have put my hand up for before: Teacher, Lawyer, Doctor, Air Stewardess, Architect, Psychologist. How did I end up having these ambitions?

Teacher - According to my mom, every young girl would have this ambition at at least one stage of her life. I'm guessing because it is the earliest exposure we get from seeing our own teachers at work, having the whole class wrapped around her little finger.

Lawyer - I grew up all the first few years of primary school being pulled to sit next to the teacher in class simply because I talk too much and was such a distraction to other students. And teachers always have this stupid comment about me growing up as a lawyer one day because I talk so much. These teachers obviously have no idea what a lawyer does? Anyway, this have sorta got into me thinking "Great, all I need to do it to talk and I'll be a lawyer, I should be a lawyer then!"

Doctor - Who wouldn't want to be the person in the white coat and a stethoscope hanging over her neck? Sometimes with a needle to poke into some naughty girl's bottom too! Each time when I feel unwell, I go to the doctor and he/she will treat me, give me a lollipop and well I become! Therefore doctor came along too.

Air Stewardess - My first trip to HK with my grandma when I was a kid. I was just mesmerized by how beautiful this particular air stewardess was and I told my grandma, "popo, when I grow up I want to be just like this beautiful jea-jea, work in an airplane and fly all over the world!"

Architect - Was my dad's ambition. Don't know how it became mine along the way.

Phychologist - I wanted to be a counsellor actually but guess psychologist sounds more sophisticated, that was why it was chosen.

Well, now I'm neither of any of the above mentioned! Sometimes I feel very inferior the fact that I have not achieved anything concrete since I left school. What do I do? I cannot waste anymore time and I definitely cannot be lingering around doing nothing. I have resorted to believing that everything happens for a reason. Being lost is very tiring and very confusing. Don't know how logical this may sound but I guess being in the state of "lostness" is when we are being prepared for the "harvest". Don't know what I'll be harvesting but it has to be something good. In a few years I will look back and laugh at this experience. For as long as I have lived, I have not heard of someone being lost all his/her live. Therefore, I think this has to be temporary. I will end up somewhere one day, and it will be good. All will be planned and all will work out. I just need to hang in there and wait for my turn. When it comes, I will be so prepared that I will have a goal to work towards!

Nomore ambitions for me, it's time for the real world! At least now I know what I'm looking for in my next real world job:

1) Travel would be good
2) Contact with people
3) I've started to feel comfortable in the tertiary education sector
4) No desk-bound please
5) Company which cares to its employees
6) Professional dress code
7) Nice colleagues
8) No repetitive data entry please
9) Flexible working style
10) Flexible working hours

Maybe one day I will have an ambition again. Hopefully by then I will know what I really want in life! Till then I will keep hanging on...

Surprise gone sour...

2008-07-19T21:52:00.002+08:00

I should be writing this from the Marriott Hotel in Gold Coast tonight however, thanks to a surprise that had gone sour I am writing this entry from the comfort of my own home tonight!

Last week Friday, John and I would have known each other for 5 years! In celebration of the 5th year into our relationship, John has decided to pack me a surprise which had to be delayed a week later due my work commitment in Hong Kong.

I arrived back to Brisbane on Tuesday and from then on, John had constantly reminded me to "pack for the evacuation!". I didn't really bother to take him seriously as I thought to myself, some screw in him must have come lose in him! Anyway, last night he finally let the cat out. He told me that he had organised a weekend get-away for the two of us. Therefore I have to pack an overnight bag. And so I did (the next morning, of course!).

First stop of the "evacuation" was a very satisfying Hong Kong breakfast at Sunnybank, followed by shopping trip at Harbour Town, Ice Cream at Movenpick and finally check-in into Marriott Gold Coast.

Upon arrival at the hotel, the front desk staff looked puzzled with the confirmation receipt that John had presented. We looked at him thinking he must have been over-worked! He looked at us again with this look on his face which spelt we were from another planet! And then we looked on the confirmation receipt and it has stated, Check-in date: 19 August 2008, Chek-out date: 20 August 2008! By this time I had to chuckle a laugh which very quickly, within seconds turned into steam blowing out of my ears and red veins popping out of my eyes! Very upset I was at John for being a scatterbrain consistently! Many things I can tolerate but having a scatterbrain which puts him out-of-tune in this moving world is unacceptable in my world!

John has apologised so many times like he had never apologised before! In my heart, he has already been forgiven from the moment we stepped into the hotel - for all the effort, I truly appreciate and am truly touched! But for the scatterbrain part of things, geez louise! Michelle is really not impressed at all! How can anyone ever make such trivial mistake?!?!?!??! This I do not underdstand, which resulted in a silent car ride back to Brisbane immediately! I know this will be something I'd be laughing about days later but the moral of the whole story is that John having a scatterbrain is not acceptable! I have nagged at him so much about being more organised, being more careful with things, being more responsible with his belongings, having more sense of urgency, bla bla bla...obviously all on deaf ears, all in vain...I simply know it now how useless to nag because the John I know is still the John I knew (after 5 long years, nothing has changed!)!

Mannequin Stealer

2008-07-06T19:53:00.002+08:00

Came home this evening to find that my pair of mannequin stored in our carpark space missing! I'm a little disturbed the fact that there is a pervert living around this compound who goes around stealing ladies' mannequin?!?!??!?! Don't really make sense but I'm really angry that some random person STOLE MY MANNEQUINS!! Do you know how freaking difficult was it to lug these bulky life-size partial representation molds of the ladies' human body back from KL to Brsibane?!?!?!??!? WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLL!!

p/s: There are some rude little pigs out in this big fat giant world! *Argh!*

P-Plate Swimmer

2008-06-15T18:02:00.002+08:00

I cannot swim. Up until today I have attempted several swimming lessons by a few different coaches but still nothing changed --> P-Plate-Swimmer!

Attempted swimming again today. Jessie and I decided to go to QUT Swimming Pool in Gardens Point campus. Was quite nerve wrecking to have "serious swimmers" in the pool. There were people doing laps, kids swimming in the 1.8 meter pool, and other swimmers training with professional swimmers. I braved myself, dipped in the luke-warm water and started kicking with my head buried under the water. Anyway, there was something I was taught today - lifting my head to breathe!

For once I feel quite good in the water, like I have achieved something BUT still CANNOT SWIM!! *Shy Shy* Ahahhaha! I was kicking with the help of a kickboard and lifting my head up to scoop air and dip down and exhale through my nose. That was what a did for around about 4 laps (not continuos of course). I tried learning the legs movements for breaststroke, but I think Jessie needs a little more patience with me for quite some time before I coordinate myself to try to stay afloat reminding myself to keep kicking, keep breathing and just keep swimming, hehhe!

Nothing That Don't Kill Me Can Only Make Me STRONGER!

2008-06-09T19:26:00.005+08:00

After keeping my silence for a bit more than a week about the "ideal" job that came my way, way too easily from an employer in KL, here is the truth ---> I GOT PLAYED OUT!

Apparently a new investor has joined the board of directors and majority of the board has decided to put a hold on all employment until a later date. I have been extremely patient with them although it took a freaking 5 months for them to come to the conclusion. I patiently sat through a 250 questions personality test, an Excel test, several telephone interview, and reference check between them and my current employer. Thank the Gods of all Gods that I have not done the final thing which is to tender my resignation! Well, I won't be that stupid to be doing that before I receive anything formal from them. But the fact of the matter is that this company has led me to believe that I have been successful in securing this job and that they were "finalising" it and that they will get back to me soon! That aside, it's the principles of this whole ordeal that makes me sick!

If I was stupid enough to learn nothing from this, I will have to knock it in my head that there are some very atrocious people out there! Needless to say this whole drama of the century has screwed my plans upside down! My thoughts of doing the right thing, to secure a job before relocating home is becoming more and more distant. Sometimes you just have to be realistic - floating on cloud 9 too easily could result in falling off cloud 9 having all hopes deflated!

There were temptations for me to just stay behind and heck the relocation because at that time that was the easiest thought to entertain. However, I have decided: I WILL BE RELOCATING HOME IN SEPTEMBER 2008! Regardless of tsunami, cyclone or drought! That is what I will be doing. And it is final! "Nothing that don't kill me can only make me STRONGER!"*

I will accommodate, be flexible and take each day as it comes...

Wish me luck people, my journey of typical job hunting will commence upon my arrival to my homeland... *WooHooYeeeeeHa!* Bring it on!

Shit Happens

2008-05-29T21:16:00.003+08:00

And when shit happens, it strikes real hard!

I feel like banging my head against the brick wall!

Frustration is when I feel like clenching and grinding my teeth till no enamel left to do no nothing!

I want to rip every strand of my hair on my head!

Anger is when I clench my fist so tight that my nails pierce through the skin on my palm!

I hope to throw a cow-dunk pie right into your face!

Annoyance is when plans are wrecked and working out of my control!

Then again, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness are the fruit of life!

p/s: REAL frustration, anger and annoyance is when I can't even hold a conversation with you without ending in a flippin argument! Don't people converse and communicate anymore? What in the world happened to conversations? Damn technology for programing bloody robots into human beings! This world doesn't need opinionated buggers lingering about!

**ARghhhhhhh!!! And she's gone back to sticking her head in the brick wall, plucking strands of her hair off her head and feeding more bananas to bloody cows so that she gets a BIGGER and SOFTER cow-dunk pie!!**

Flip this Flippin Floppy Flap!! And Michelle is REALLY angry!!

One More Sleep!

2008-05-25T09:02:00.002+08:00

One more sleep till John comes home!! =)

I miss my friend, my entertainer, my personal chef, my chauffeur, my bodyguard, my housemate, my butler, my shopping companion, my happiness, my cheeky monkey, my life coach, my everything, MY JOHN!!

You don't know how much you rely on your other half until you're forced to be miles apart...There is a relationship that has been built on from a lot of time spent together, a lot of arguments resolved, a lot of learning from each other, a lot of sharing and caring.

On the flip side of it, people engaging in LDR, in particular those who have not met each other, mostly Internet "relationships", how would you class that as a relationship? How would a relationship establish? How would you rely on the other person when you have not been physically together, have not experienced life together? Therefore, my question is how would you have that urge to want to be with the person? What motivates you to go the extra mile in investing in this "relationship"? Even being with a person you see physically, it would take a lot of effort for one to give and take in a relationship, I just find it very hard to understand what the motivations are for people involved in Internet "relationships". Is it lust that keeps the "relationship" going? Or simply the fun of it?

Thought of the day...

2008-05-22T19:29:00.002+08:00

What would you do to prevent a drop of water from drying out?

You simply throw it back into the sea...

The Last Goodnight

2008-05-15T08:37:00.004+08:00

Hey, last week I went to do something out at the ordinary which I thought I might just share. The Last Goodnight was here in Australia promoting their second single, "Stay Beautiful". I really like their album - POISON KISS. The lead sings with such great passion, so much emotions and their lyrics are simple and right to the point, I just love the album. Anyway, back to my point, they were promoting their album here in Australia, a small promo sponsored by Aldo. They were at the Brisbane store at Queen Street Mall. Gee, the whole queuing and getting squashed, and autograph session felt so like high school days (reminded me of my "meeting" with Mr Ronan Keating at Tower Records back in 2000 - Can't believe it's 8 freaking years ago!). Well all in all, was a great night! He sounded so much better live actually. I just adore this band, the lead singer in particular. *WiNk*

Strong yet weak...

2008-05-02T21:36:00.003+08:00

There is so much happening in my life, yet...nothing has actually really happened! Demons stirring me up emotionally and psychologically - mental block, emotional downpour, mood swings, stress, etc, etc, etc. I feel like there is a mental race in everything I do and yet I'm not really doing anything? It's a strange feeling. I'm tired, yes I am...you demons, bugger off! Leave me alone...

Bear with me while I sort these little shits out...

p/s: I don't know how I got sucked into this downward spiral...Must be something in the chilly Brissy air...

Pictures of You...

2008-05-01T22:14:00.007+08:00

Pictures of You

(By The Last Goodnight)

This is the clock up on the wall

This is the story of us all

This is the first sound

Of a new born child before he starts to crawl

This is the war that's never won

This is the soldier and his gun

This is the mother waiting by the phone

Praying for her son

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Remind us all of what we used to be

There is a drug that cures it all

Blocked by the governmental wall

We are the scientists inside the lab

Just waiting for the call

This earthquake weather has got me shaking

Inside I'm high up and dry

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Remind us all of what we used to be

Confess to me every secret moment

Every stolen promise you believe

Confess to me, all that lies between us

All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring

We are the bells that never sing

There is a title we can't win

No matter how hard we must swing

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Hung up on the wall for the world to see

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Remind us all of what we could have been

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you, pictures of me

Remind us all of what we could have been

Could have been, we could have been

Picture of you, pictures of me

Remind us all of what we could have been

~*X*~

Rest assured pictures of us will be kept safely within a special place in my heart...locked away, and sealed with happy smiles...Pictures of us, history of the past...With this I congratulate you and your wife-to-be, wishing you well as you've finally found a happy ending to this chapter of your life...

~XOXO~

6 years ago, I celebrated by 18th birthday...

2008-04-30T19:40:00.004+08:00

My colleague turned 18 today and she asked me what happened on my 18th birthday as she swore to never forget this joyous occasion of her life forever.

I was dumbfolded when I learnt that I could not remember a thing! "Oh shit!" This is not funny. I tried so hard, as if I was madly searching for a needle in a haystack, the feeling was tremendously frustrating. It took me a few minutes before I could utter something out of my mouth. I just plainly said, "like you, I had so much fun!". But really, what fun?? I cannot even remember a thing. I then sat down, pretended to be using so much brain power for work and made myself squeeze every drop of memory juice out of the memory bank and this is what I gathered:

I had a surprise party planned for my 18th birthday! It all started with a long drive to One Utama where all 3 of us, Alison, Jessie and myself were dressed in black. Upon arriving we had to wait outside the restaurant for ages. Apparently we cannot be let in until they had to set the table up for the 3 of us. And so I waited patiently. While waiting, I met my friend, Bee Voon and I was totally surprised. We exchanged hugs and she said she was meeting a friend and so I let her go and promised to catch up. After a couple of suspicious minutes later, Aaron appeared at the door to welcome me into the restaurant and I was fully taken by surprise! There was a video camera and camera flashes when the doors were opened. And gee, all my friends were gathered there...Ee Jhane, Bee Voon (liar, she was late!), Renee, Elaine, Amelia, Kar Wye, Mei Chin, Evan, Bryan, Aidan, Koks, Steven, and some other college friends which I apologise for not being able to remember their names. Was a fantastic evening. Everyone was in black. I received a few presents, one being a jumper I've been eyeing on since forever from Miss Selfridge, few bottles of alcoholpop in celebration of my officially legal drinking age and a beautiful diamond pendent and a matching necklace. That's all I can remember. Of all the presents, the only thing I still possess is the jumper. Of all my friends, the only ones I still contact are a hand-full out of the lot.

I wish things hadn't changed, I wish those friends never left, I wish I never left, I wish forever and ever meant forever and ever, I wish to re-visit every single detail, I wish to feel the happiness I felt, I wish life to be always a happy-18-year-old..I wish, and I wish, and I wish, and all I can do is *wish*...